IVF due to MFI

The beginning of recovery.

2011-01-31T13:47:00.003-05:00

Our precious third child was born on January 21st. And so begins my journey into recovery. I've realize that it somewhat compares to an adicts life :: once infertile, always infertile. (unless of course you're cured which we cannot be.)

This is our last child, unless we enter the world of adoption at a future time. I am soaking up every second while grieving for something that is out of my control. I choose to now begin my journey into recovery instead of holding on to the fact that infertility is in control. Because it is. IT chose that we would be done now, though has also granted us three amazing children. Blessed doesn't seem to describe how I feel. We won our battle against infertility even if it still holds some control over us. Over me. I shall learn to live with it. Just like an addict where it never fully goes away, the infertility feelings will always linger but I will try my best to not allow them to take over my life again. I've dedicated more than 7 years of my life to it (5 since diagnosis) and I AM READY TO BE FREE.

She arrived after many hours of labouring and a scary emergency c-section -- but she is absolutely perfect and we are all in love.

11w4d :: emotional wreck.

2010-06-29T15:11:00.002-04:00

wow -- these pregnancy hormones are overwhelming these days.
Today I've wanted to cry all day for no reason at all.
Well, perhaps it's because I haven't slept well in 2 days.
Or that I woke up and my allergies were at least 80% worse today than they've been all spring/summer. (spring being my worse season normally)

or because my daugther is being incredibly assertive in her three & a half years and everyday it's harder and harder. Who ever said it was the terrible twos were wrong I think with my daugther. 3 1/2 has been our roughest phase yet. May it please be over soon. Of course having twins means twice the battles -- but my son isn't as hard -- although of course they rub off on each other. Thankfully, they do have each other to play with though -- because this phase would be even HARDER.

and maybe it's because this phase comes at a point in my life when I would like to take the time to soak up the happiness I'm living after more than a year and a half of absolute emotional HELL -- obviously -- my parenting probably suffered A LOT during those crazy difficult times... which probably means that she's ultra difficult a bit because of that.

Can I just say I cannot wait for infertility to be a very distant memory.

We'll tell the kids today or tomorrow that we're expecting... and then the rest of the extended family/cirle of friends by friday. Maybe it'll kick me out of my current funk. who knows.

I sound worse than I feel (i think!) --- I do have good days --- mostly good moments in days I suppose... but I'm incredibly happy and feel blessed everyday that we're expecting one baby. Of course those sentiments are ALWAYS followed by "if all goes well" because for some reason - I also believe that my happiness is minutes from being taken from me, daily. hopefully as the pregnancy progresses those feelings will STOP. because they SUCK.

11w4d and emotionally drained. feeling like a bitch, 80% of the days.

seriously. seriously.

2010-06-14T14:24:00.002-04:00

My brother just called. He's going to be a dad too in January. This is NOT good news -- and I'm guessing he thought I was being a little bitchy by my reaction. he doesn't have stable income and neither does she -- I think they've been dating for 6 months - well I guess a little longer than that but we first met her at Christmas time. She's REALLY nice -- so that's not the issue at all. at all. She's from a great family -- and I'm sure they'll be good together in the long run (well, I SURE HOPE SO!!!)

but OMG. My family is FULL of accidents -- but when it hits this close to home it's even harder to swallow. Due at the same time as me. wow.

Without kidding I think I would have needed some anxiety pills had I learned that news after having failed a cycle that would have had me due at the same time. I shouldn't think like that -- I AM pregnant -- but it's really hard not to think of the whatifs.

So now there are FIVE babies due on ONE side of my family in JANUARY. All in ONE month. (well, I think we're all due in the span of 2 weeks) but nobody knows about our pregnancy yet. (in the extended family)

I don't know if my brother knows of our struggles -- I'm really not certain. He wasn't in a great space when we first started going through IF HELL -- and I'm not sure if it's ever been shared with him - although i'm guessing so since 80% of my extended family knows... i just felt like telling him that with all the emotional and financial investements I had in creating MY family -- it was hard to get excited about HIS oops.

I pray good things happen to them... for the sake of my niece or nephew. OMG. (will be the first child born in our family that doesn't belong to my dh & i)

omg.

9w3d pregnant and feeling HORRIBLY sick; HORRIBLY. I have this HORRIBLE taste in my mouth ALL THE TIME -- which means I'm forever eating stuff to minimize it but the minute i'm done eating, the taste comes right back :( I really really hope that passes at the end of the first trimester -- I've read of women having this throughout their whole pregnancy :(

eight weeks.

2010-06-04T08:44:00.002-04:00

it's weird, it's like a long time has gone by since we found out -- and yet it feels like it was yesterday adn I'd give ANYTHING to be in my 14th + week already.

Yesterday I had my first prenatal apt. with my family dr. that can follow me until 36 weeks -- and she's just a few minutes away! Such an advantage to my last pregnancy that was followed by a high risk clinic at least 45 min. away.

It's amazing to be normal. A little unerving, but I think i'll manage. I think.

My next scan is between weeks 18-20. That by itself feels AMAZING. Our twin pregnancy we scanned A LOT (out of 'necessity' so I was ok with it -- but would have prefered less ultrasounds on my babes!) and this time, it's almost normal. I've had one at 6 weeks and should only have one more if all goes well :)

My next apt. is at 14 weeks. that's SIX weeks without seeing a medical professional. WOW. Haven't not seen a dr. in that much timespan since March.

By the end of this pregnancy, I might just actually feel like a normal pregnant woman. fingers crossed!!

Symptoms wise I'm CRAZY tired and very nauseated... but appreciate some signs. if I had none, i'd be freaking out, i'm sure.

ONE Baby!

2010-05-26T07:44:00.003-04:00

ONE. A heartbeat on a tiny tiny tiny being was seen yesterday.

I don't think any other single even in my life has been this life changing or even made me THIS happy. The alternative for the next long years of my life was looking sad. This is life changing.

The ONLY reason I would have jumped for joy for twins again is that I really wanted 4 or 5 kids in my life -- and this is our last pregnancy and very most likely our very last child. And I'm ok with that. Four would have been lovely -- but I'm happy either way. And I might convince my husband to do some fostering later in life or something... or at least I can change my vocation and work with children more if I need to.

the one thing that wasn't a dream yesterday was the ultrasound tech. She made about 10 references to being crazy for transfering three. ONE including "I would NEVER transfer three" I was too giddy to reply like I wanted to - and I'm sure that's why she takes liberty of daring to say such things. Knowing patients are on a high they wont reply. When she said she would never ever transfer three I felt like saying "please, give me details of YOUR ivf cycles and tell me how many you've transfered..." or "right, and how many failed cycles have you had?" or "have you seen my chart? Being an ultrasound tech makes you capable of an opinion on the quality of the embryos we produced and you understand that THREE were absolutely going to implant. You're so smart... so why am I only pregnant with ONE?" (one is GOOD!)

but i've let her attitude go (although frankly I believe a complaint should be filed) because we're incredibly HAPPY. never happier.

wow.

5 weeks till we tell our 2 monkeys who will then blab it to the world :)

The calm before the storm?

2010-05-18T10:19:00.002-04:00

I have hints of symptoms -- and I think i'm turning them into bigger symptoms because I need to hold on to SOMETHING until the viability ultrasound.

My boobs hurt. lots. for real. THAT is not stretching it.

I'm kindof-maybe-sometimes-but-most-likely-not-really nauseated at times. It's TRUE i don't always feel great -- but nausea is a strong word for it.

If I make it through the night without having to pee in the night (which is most nights) I think "that's it, i'm not actually pregnant"

all of that and then I think "maybe this is what being pregnant with ONE would be like?" cause really, I think it's only one this time (mostly saying that because of my low-ish beta) and praying it's still holding on for dear life.

I have less and less cramps. Which you would think a good thing, but like I said - i'm trying to make up symptoms to reassure myself that it's true. and when there are few symptoms, it's hard to believe.

Deep down I KNOW that normal pregnancies at this point (5w3d) don't have much symptoms. I KNOW this -- but still, i'm fishing.

My scan is next tuesday -- a week from today. that seems far. It's 2 days later than it could be. Sunday they're not open and monday we're still out of town (heading out to a cottage 4 hrs away for the long week-end) so I wait until Tuesday. Hopefully for amazing news. It has to be good news.

scared.

Beta -- 14dp2dt

2010-05-11T11:07:00.003-04:00

After frantic calls from my cell phone while sitting in the parking lot of the blood lab to my clinic for a proper req form (because they hand out their hospital reqs and they're not supposed to be used outside their hospital. frustrating!!) anyways -- finally manage to get something somewhat acceptable to be faxed... an hour later, get my blood drawn. NEVER a dull moment in the life of the infertile.

Anyways -- beta: 174.

From too much googling I think it's on the low side for 16dpo -- but until told otherwise, i'll believe it's ok. I'll also believe that maybe it's just ONE embryo! I'm guessing that if all three had taken, it would be higher. But I know that science isn't an exact one. 2 weeks today we'll find out how many are in there!

Oh, and I haven't even heard this from my clinic yet. The lady at the blood lab was nice enough to tell me :) Wonder how long it will take for them to tell me... last time it was a full week after many frantic calls on my part... (but then i knew it was negative)

While I'm not fully registering that I'm PREGNANT -- I haven't felt THIS light in a long time. Years even. I'm tired, but can still accomplish things. I can plan projects and know I'll see them through -- the IF depression like state has been lifted -- it's unbelievable. Everytime I think that I remind myself that we're not yet out of the woods... and start praying everything will go well. That in months from now, I will be able to hopefully put the IF depressive state out of my life FOREVER. It will forever have changed me -- and I'm guessing I'll still 'suffer' from bits of it -- but not the overwhelming feelings of it.

it's nice to be able to breathe.

13dp2dt + HPT...

2010-05-09T12:27:00.002-04:00

POSITIVE. OMG. I barely believe it. I could hardly believe the + sign. I'm still praying it worked and then realize "wait a minute, I already tested and it said IT DID!!"

omg. fingers + everything else crossed between now and the viability ultrasound. Well, really tomorrow for the BETA too. Now, the praying begins that three didn't take. One or Two please.

omg.

best mother's day in the history of all mother's day. ever. anywhere.

I may or may not be pregnant...

2010-05-08T12:28:00.002-04:00

but I AM going crazy, zero doubt about that.

I decided to wait until tomorrow to test -- thinking that IF i tested negative today (12dp2dt) I would spend all day thinking I tested too early instead of coping with the results and that would drive me crazy. problem is, i can't decide which method would have driven me crazier.

I'm about 18 hours away from finding out and i'm terrified.
I can't help but think it didn't work.
I can't help but think that my actions today have an impact on the results which is CRAZY -- since I've either been pregnant now for like a week, or NOT. Implantation HAS or HAS NOT occured, but it wont happen TODAY. I couldn't help but think that if I did a HPT test today it would CHANGE the results I might get tomorrow.

YES, going CRAZY.

I'm terrified that tomorrow I find out that at 31, my dreams of having a newborn again are over.

all that makes me think I should have tested this morning, but i didn't. now I will try my best to wait until tomorrow morning. Otherwise, I'll pretend to myself the results could be affected by non morning urine. Yes, crazy indeed.

:(

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. It's either going to be the BEST mother's day in the world -- or the absolute WORSE one. I'm praying for the best.

Tired of this confused state.

2010-05-05T15:09:00.002-04:00

Daily I convince myself that it did not work, that I am not pregant. I do so I think to minimize the blow that could very well be coming. BUT then I flip flop to 'but of course it might have worked... if there was no chance at all, why would we have cycled?'. So there's a chance. I could be. But I'm not. I can't be. Can I?

I hate it. I feel like i need to be WAY more hopeful but at the same time, I feel like if I'm ALL hope -- I'll crash harder IF in fact it's negative.

Worse? I can visualize the damn positive on the HPT. Which means really, I'm not fully believing it didn't work --- which means I'll fall from as far as humanly possible.

But then, maybe that's the only way to be. How can a negative result after 10,000$ and loads of pain and loads of injections and loads of praying and dreaming -- how can you possibly fall from 'half way to the top' for example? I'm guessing it's an all or nothing, every cycle. DAMN IT.

I had a glimmer of hope on Sunday because I had symptoms of carpal tunnel quite badly. my hand went fully numb on me. The only time in my life that ever happened, you guessed it, was when I was pregnant. it went away with delivery. I have read that it can be because of an hormonal imbalance. Progesterone + Estrogen. Um, the 2 hormones I'm on. What if.... I've caused an imbalance so great my body cannot become pregnant?

I'm still crampy. I get localized 'cramping/pain' in my right side. So specific that it gives me hope that perhaps an embryo has attached to that side?? or perhaps my ovary was poked a little too much and it's just pain from that.

I hate not knowing. but worse, I hate knowing that this was my last chance. I didn't know that until the day we transfered. But that day it became incredibly clear to me that our odds had gone from what we thought were 50%ish to a rough personal-not-medical-opinion of say maybe 18%. That day I realized that my husband had wondered how long we could do this before realizing that we owed our family more than trying and trying and throwing all our money away over something that could very well never EVER happen again. I haven't told him that I now realize WHEN that is. It's now. It was this cycle. Last cycle was HORRIBLE -- I was sick, all around it was HELL. This one went SO MUCH BETTER -- but yet our numbers sucked. Maybe it's cause I felt "fine" through it that I could see so clearly... maybe it's because I believe three transfers are enough for ME to make up my mind. Who knows. I'll NEVER know.

and I seriously hope with every fibre of my being that this is the last cycle because it completes our family. Not because I believe we've been medically beatten.

please oh please god. please.

9dp2dt and waiting until Sat. to test (12dp2dt)

Today is my birthday.

2010-05-01T20:26:00.002-04:00

and last night I realized that over the last FIVE birthdays -- I've had IF injections 3 years on my birthday. Once at the end of the first trimester, one was my very first injection of a fresh cycle and now i'm in the horrible 2ww.

three out of five. last night when the realization crossed my mind I started crying... thinking of the years of pain I've had. we've had. IF ONLY that was 5 years of pain. It took us a few years of trying before we got to the injections.

In those years I've had incredible blessings as well... but mostly, i've been in pain.

at least those thoughts were more last night than today -- I've managed to have a decent day. I was a knitting retreat for the day (I knit... a lot!) and for the first time all month our third fresh IVF cycle wasn't acute in my mind. I even manage to forget at times that I was in the 2ww. That is of course until I'd get up and walk around and realize that I can still feel my ovaries/uterus quite a bit. Sharp reminders of the current stress. That in my PIO shots are crazy itchy on my right side. only. HOW WEIRD IS THAT? no reaction on the left at all -- bumps + redness + itchiness on the right. odd.

My BETA should be on the 9th, next sunday. Normally I test the day before Beta, so I might test next Saturday. The clinic is closed on sundays -- so it's actually only monday the test... but sat. should give me a good idea.

I utter the words "please god" to myself at least 10,000 times a day. like NOT saying means it wont work out or something. like that makes sense.

2dp2dt

2010-04-28T09:05:00.002-04:00

I'm with embryos. Hopefully with gorgeous nearly ready to implant embryos -- still mind boggling to me that IVF has this element of 'wait and see' -- then again, I guess it's proof they are actually working WITH nature, so I should be somewhat happy. I do think it's time they develop ER & ET techniques that do NOT involve the speculum. seriously.

So on Sunday when we got our 'report' the embryologist said there was a tiny chance they call back for a 2dt. If so they'd call by 8, they know we're three hours away from the clinic. 8am rolls around, no call -- my husband get ready to leave for a bank apt. He steps out and at 8:30 (he's still in the yard!) the clinic calls his cell. Nice timing. Anyways -- they want us there by 11:30. Um, it takes THREE hours to just DRIVE there -- and we basically jumped in the car -- but we did have to get dressed (ok, just me -- my dh was ready and out the door already!) and call my MIL so she can take the kids. Thankfully she's here in 10 minutes flat -- and we rush out.

An hour into our drive we stop for gas and breakfast... and I realize I DON'T HAVE MY WALLET (and had that overwhelming sensation i had forgotten soemthing. yeah, something 'big'!) we have a mini freak out -- Adam pulls out the embryologist number he left us (oh, we know at this point that the OR staff will be 'waiting around for us to show up') we can't exactly head home and back adding an extra TWO hours to a 3 hour drive. We figure they'll tell us 'too bad, come tomorrow' and while dh is dialing he realizes 'wait a minute I have your hospital card, they gave it to me after the ER and I never put it in your wallet' (we ALWAYS put them back in the proper wallets - we used to try to figure out which card was where and it got crazy -- but there was too much going on that day he just put it in his!)

AH PHEW. crisis averted. We feel elated, like things have fully turned around -- that this 2dt is ok and such. Turns out in all our time at the clinic for the ET -- nobody even asked for my hospital card. So there, the mini crisis wasn't even necessary!

When we get to the clinic - we see a few nurses who mention "finally you're here!" um yes, we weren't kidding when we said 3 hours. one nurse seems excited about the transfer and I say "yes, but it's a 2dt?" (thinking "that's not a good thing/standard thing/normal thing") and she looks at me for more. stares. Then says "what do you mean? we do 2dt all the time here?" (not ALL the time, but OFTEN!!) wow. talk about stress leaving at once. I just said "wow - i didn't think so -- i've only had day 3 and they told us we should be doing day 3 again so I thought this was a question of "your embryos might not make it to day 3 (which frankly the embryologist kind of explained it that way) so we're transfering them earlier.

So we tranfered three day 2 embryos. one great, 2 so-so. Honestly -- the odds of this cycle working are feeling quite low for me, yet I'm handling the stress incredibly well. I've cried, but only a tiny bit -- normally (yes, i can say that -- four 2ww makes it that I can see patterns, if i wish!) i cry for hours. and hours. and freak out. and melt down. and scream. and hide. and scream. and freak out and melt down. it's hell. I realize i'm only on day 2 post transfer, but I'm not freaking out. I go from convincing myself that since the ER and embryology report -- it seems obvious to me our chances have gone down from 50% to a lot less. a lot less. I know I don't actually KNOW this -- and I HAVE to wait and see. and it 'only takes one' i know all this. but perhaps because last time I went through a fresh cycle I knew all that but still believed with every fibre of my being that STILL, it would work. it worked the first time, a fresh cycle WILL WORK. Now, I KNOW i don't have a damn clue.

let nature work. please god, let nature work. I'm trying to channel my family's overwhelming fertility so this works. Seriously -- my family is crazy fertile. Pass on the crazy fertile this way, please.

not great numbers.

2010-04-25T10:58:00.002-04:00

8 eggs. for me, that's a tiny number. I had lots of follicules, but only 8 eggs. Last cycle it was at least 18 (can't find my numbers) and the one before was 24. I know it's QUALITY, not QUANTITY - but shit.

Embryologist just called. Only 5 were mature. 4 fertilized.

4 years ago -- when they called me only 3 were ok. (2 made it up to blastocyst after for a total of 5). I was extatic --> we created life. Not only did we have embroyos -- we ended up with twins.

This time, these numbers are making me cry.

The embryologist said there was a tiny tiny chance of an emergency 2 day transfer. I didn't even know such a thing existed. Otherwise, it's a day 3 transfer on Tuesday.

On good news -- they got enough sperm from my husband to freeze. After THREE TESAs - it's the first time they have enough to freeze.

now, i have to find a way to suck it up, stop crying and get back to my nearly zen-like state. Cause either way -- whatever happens to these 4 embryos will happen, if i'm crying about it or not.

The retrieval went fine. Other than being tender, i'm ok. Last retrieval I threw up for DAYS on end.

FINGERS (and-everything-else) CROSSED!!!

Day 6 of Stims -- IVF #3.

2010-04-17T18:54:00.002-04:00

We started our third IVF cycle last Monday. Well, really last month -- we were supposed to cycle last month but because my period ended up 5 days late for a second cycle in a row (that hasn't happened ever since I've monitored my cycles since like 2003). Also, I had a cyst. First time in ALL of my scans. Again, that's a lot of scans over a lot of years. never anything. AND because of I was 'late' -- then the dr. was going to be out of town.

So back on the pill I went, to time my cycle properly with the urologist's schedule.

I'm doing a short protocol this time (plus bcp for scheduling purposes).

I started stims on Monday the 12th. Second scan on Friday -- i have 28 small follicules at the moment. Last time I was on Gonal-F I very nearly overstimulated... this time I think things are going better -- because although I feel the effects on my ovaries in the evenings -- I don't really feel them during the day and I'm pretty sure last time I did very early on... who knows though...

Next scan is Monday, the 19th.

Our province is about to start paying for 3 cycles of IVF... and it's supposed to start in june sometime, gradually -- whatevevr that might mean. Of course when we paid for the cycle it was still quite 'up in the air' and had no dates -- but even now, I'll have to see it to believe it... we decided that waiting for the gov. for this was not an option for us, we're tired of empty promises... because of this -- the clinic is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO QUIET. It's wonderful.

This post is quite rambly omg. I just really wanted a record of where we're at.

Also -- I thought I'd add that I'm a HECK OF A LOT LESS STRESSED this time around than ever before. Last cycle I was sooooo stressed, it was crazy. I just re-read some of my posts and can remember the emotions - the freakouts. In contrast to THOSE days I feel quite relaxed, zen-like even. I don't even understand HOW that can be, but there it is.

The injections are too familiar, like I have done them daily for years. I normally triple check everything, freak out a little then inject -- but not this cycle. I inject in seconds and go on with the evening, only reminded a little while later that I did inject when i realize that maybe I need to stop trying to do anything during the evening and just be.

Like right now -- kiddos are sound asleep (my son is sick but we have no clue what's bugging him - and it's beend days :( ) and i'm about to watch a movie to try to relax. Or just sleep.

It only hurts when I breathe.

2009-06-21T20:46:00.003-04:00

"It only hurts when I breathe."
(from a shania twain song...)

that's how it feels right now.
it hurts all the time. 100% of the time. I'm in SO much emotional pain -- it's indescribable.

I thought I was living hell when I realized that my fresh cycle (10,000$+) hadn't worked. But I was holding on hope of eventually doing a FET with the embyros from that same cycle... and if those didn't work - at least it would be distributing the failure over a few cycles in a way.

I finally managed to talk to somebody at the clinic.

NONE of my embryos made it to freezing. How this happened is beyond me -- I had TEN more on the day of the transfer. Oh -- and why I find this out THREE weeks after they should have been frozen is also a huge source of frustration. Maybe they don't call if there's nothing to freeze -- but you'd think they'd tell you THAT? and return your calls???

It's like we've gone from semi-infertile to FULLY infertile. I've never felt this much pain, ever.

I'm scared. Tomorrow morning I'm going to make an 'urgent' apt. with my family dr. for a referal to a pschycologist. I NEED to speak to somebody. I don't really know how to get through the days anymore.... I just want to cry - all.day.long. :(

Of course we're also left wondering how could it POSSIBLY be that we had 12 or so embyros on the day of the transfer and that two of them happened to be 'perfect' (dr's words) and the rest isn't good enough to make it to day 5? That seems unlikely to me -- but I could be wrong since i'm obviously not a medical professional.

I feel like I never dealt with the failure of the FET - I just ignored the emotions after a while holding on to the fact that i'd most likely be pregnant with THIS fresh cycle...... so now it's like I'm dealing with the failure feelings that stems back to Nov. That's a hole lot of bagage. It's a new fresh failure -- but it's old at the same time. I guess that is exactly what happens to couples who fight this fight for a long time before success (or if ever even). Every failure is an extra 'notch'...

This week is going to be painfully difficult.

Still no news on BETA

2009-06-19T09:09:00.002-04:00

So I did my blood work (out of clinic since my clinic is 3 hours away) last thursday. it's FRIDAY (of the NEXT week) and still they haven't told me to stop my shots + estrace. Of course I DID - because a) the HPTs were BFN and because the receptionist at the lab was annoyed at the run around I was getting and confirmed the 0... followed by "but you didn't hear that from me"

So how is it that somebody can do a fresh cycle IVF and drop off the radar fully at the clinic before being told it's a BFN? I've called countless time and I'm not getting calls returned.

On Wednesday the dr's receptionist calls me and said "this is just to let you know that I did receive the fax for your blood work... i had a note to call you when i got it" she got it the thursday before. I said "ok, so you're going to tell me the result?" and she says "oh i can't do that -- i'll transfer you to the nurses..." which OF COURSE was to voicemail and OF COURSE they didn't call me back.

This morning my message was over the top emotional -- I didn't mean it to be but i lost it and started crying while speaking and ended the message with "I've left lots of messages and none are being returned, i'm REALLY stressed and I would really like to be able to move on so could you PLEASE call me to let me know what my next steps are..."

because not only will the nurses not call me back -- but I STILL haven't heard back from embryology. My embryos were hopefully (but what do I KNOW?) frozen on June FIRST. Today is the 19th. Still no news.

Also -- I think the shock wore off of the failed cycle and now I'm just in hysterics. Having to do IVF - for me - is like the end of the world. Having it failed is like having a force telling me that it really doesn't matter how hard you work -- YOU SUCK and you will NOT have what you want. The absolute worse 'kicking you when you're down' scenario.

I've left a message with a local infertility clinic hoping I can see their psychologist without being a patient at the clinic. I'd rather deal with a psychologist that specializes in IF... and god knows right now I need to talk to somebody.

Yesterday I LOST IT -- telling my husband what i wrote above how it's worse than 'the' worst having a failed cycle and he said 'yeah, but some people NEVER have it work...' and while that is TRUE -- and I FEEL for everybody who never has it work... or people who still don't know if it will work and such.... it doesn't make me feel better. It's not like there's a "pool of ivf children" and each can get their share. It doesn't mean that I want our future children any less than I wanted my current ones. YES, We've been INCREDIBLY blessed and I HOLD ON TO THAT... but it does NOT ease the pain. If i didn't REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want more kids -- I wouldn't have cycled again. These children are WANTED. I WANT MORE KIDS.

And yes, that makes me feel selfish but what can you do.

shit shit shit

2009-06-09T19:24:00.002-04:00

10dp3dt: negative hpt.

i tested tonight because my dh goes back to work tomorrow and we didn't want to test as he was out the door... but i should have waited till thursday.

but for what? today is technically 13dpo --- which would mean that I "should" be able to get an accurate reading -- although perhaps not?

glimmers of hope -- but just glimmers this evening.

although writting this I realized that I tested THINKING today was 11dp3dt - but it's in fact only 10dp3dt. Not that it probably matters that much.

if anybody's reading -- i hope you can send me lots of ++ vibes. I NEED HELP!!

10dp3dt

2009-06-09T09:54:00.002-04:00

and still very stressed. I want to test NOW -- but I don't want false results - so I'm going to wait 48 more hours. then it should be accurate.

I keep having thoughts of IF this doesn't work WHY DIDN'T IT WORK because we got to transfer TWO "perfect" embryos. I actually have thoughts of "what would I have done wrong...??" when the reality of it is that they may have taken. They may not have -- but i'm beating myself up over something I don't even know.

Again, calling on my rational brain isn't helping.

I feel like I feel too "ok" for it to have worked -- whatever that might mean. It's not like normal people have pregnancy symptoms at THIS point. but still, I can't help it.

I'm TERRIFIED of a neg. result. TERRIFIED.

Trying oh so trying to muster up some positive energy/thoughts. trying.

7dp3dt

2009-06-06T20:47:00.003-04:00

I think? I forget how to count -- but i think that's right. My 3dt was one week ago today.

I'm freaking out. Today I had a complete meltdown. I cannot function with this much stress. I had an axiety attack (or something like it) this morning and about 2 hours later I started cramping... nice... I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO RELAX DAMN IT.

It hasn't been "like THIS" the whole time -- this morning I woke up with just a feeling of "ok, enough is enough."

To think I have four full days before I POAS. arh.

Oh -- and I made a rookie mistake a few days ago... I googled something like "2ww and severe pain" (cause i was havind weird pains) AND.... didn't put IVF in the search. I get results from you guessed it.... women who have been TTC for.... um.... a month or two. I hadn't seen anything of that nature in YEARS!! (cause i'm usually vigilant about what i search for!) It didn't actually bug me much but I closed the browser quickly in any case.

How I'll make it until Thursday morning to test is beyond me. I'd test sooner if I knew it would be positive just to put me out of this misery -- but I KNOW that the results on thursday will at the very least be accurate. So I should wait till then. A false negative would kill me as much as a real neg. i think.

Can you say... stressed??? omg.

1dp3dt

2009-05-31T22:06:00.002-04:00

My transfer was yesterday morning...

we transfered 2 'perfect' embryos -- and now we have everything crossed and praying more than I've ever prayed in my life that they stick.

I want to come back with details of the last few days -- at the very least to have a record for myself.

In quick terms it's been HELL. i've been in way more pain than the first time around, nauseated/vomiting like crazy, 3 hr drives where i've wanted to die...

All of it is making me have feelings of 'if this doesn't work i'll be MAD' and that annoys me. it's now how I should be thinking -- but having a hard time calling on my logical brain to calm me.

happy happy happy happy +++ thoughts.
they'll stick, right?

Nerves are almost unbearable.

2009-05-21T14:34:00.003-04:00

I have so many emotions & side effects running through me right now -- I can't describe most of them :(

My husband last night said "i want another baby but i don't want to do this" which he clarified ment "i don't want to have to do this - but WE don't have a choice..." I told him that the previous comment was kind of like a groom telling a bride as they're about to walk down the aisle that he doesn't want to.

His nerves seem to translate to anger of sorts. He seems mad that we're doing this -- instead of mad that we have to. It's hard. It's hard on everybody.

There's a high chance that we're looking at 6hr round trips to the clinic DAILY between tomorrow and tuesday. OMG. I'm starting to think I should pack up the kids and drop them off at my parents instead of having my mom come stay here (especially since the bugs are so bad they'll be housebound)

I think I will get some kind of relief tomorrow after my first scan at the clinic (not a satelite dr.) and having an egg count and sitting down with the nurses and talking. I think this will help a lot -- and I really hope it helps my dh too. It usually does. He's usually "ready to go" after we go to the clinic and i've got reservations/stresses -- it's like talking medical stuff actually pumps him up. I'm worried that he's so deflated though that it might not really do the trick this time.

omg.

also -- i've been wondering on and off if what i'm feeling from the gonal-f is normal or if it's too much -- but i keep holding on to the fact that I haven't bloated visually -- my pants still fit -- so I doubt i'm overstimulating... but i do wonder at times why my days are so difficult... I can only walk so much before it hurts and such. My u/s is soon -- i'll have answers then...

it's so different this time. soooo soo different. yet it's exactly the same. weird.

happy thoughts. happy thoughts. happy thoughts.

Uterus full of rocks.

2009-05-19T10:15:00.002-04:00

At least that's how it feels.

Taking care of 2 somewhat cranky toddlers while doing gonal-f injections is not a walk in the park. I'm NOT complaining -- I'm sorry if anybody reads this thinks I'm rude for even mentioning this while doing IF treatments.

It's just hard. Today I'm heading to my parents for the day -- just to not be "on" for hours on end.... tomorrow I have a date with a friend & her kiddos - at their home - doing nothing. Planning for nothingness. Brillant.

Yesterday - I realized that I might be short of Gonal-F for thursday's shot. I shouldn't be -- but it's really looking like I might. I called the clinic (and actually got a LIVE person answer! wow!!) and the nurse said not to worry -- to take what is left and it would be ok. Sounds good. I really wanted to avoid a 6hr round trip to Montreal on THURSDAY when we have to go on Friday. and most likely on Sat. and Sun. and Mon. well, I don't know exactly which days - but most likely many days in a row for monitoring.... then my dh's extraction is the day before mine this time around, so that's an extra trip.

the stress of possibly being out of drugs made me freak out yesterday :( today is slightly better.

I have this constant feeling like i'm on a rollercoaster -- litterally. You know the feeling when you drive over a hill fast? or down a hill on a rollercoaster and your heart seems to jump? It's like that, almost all the time. Not painful -- but weird.

The feeling that somebody sat on my chest was back this morning again -- at the same time it was there yesterday, around 9:30am. and it's on and off right now. weird.

happy happy happy thoughts.

Day 5 of Stims.

2009-05-18T14:19:00.002-04:00

Tonight is my fifth Gonal-F (stims) injection.

I'm out of patience and I cannot focus. And I go from having headaches to nausea.

I'm SO thankful I blogged the first time around -- because I've been reading the posts from Feb. 2006 -- and seeing that things ARE working -- because I felt the same way when I first did it.

The other day -- I was completely out of patience - and could hardly stand myself - my poor kiddos must think i'm losing my mind -- anyways, reading that a few days after I started the shots the first time around I had the EXACT same feelings made me relax a bit. I don't really have a way of knowing if the shots are "doing their thing" - but that clarified it.

I'm stressed. I burst into tears when I think "OMG -- I'm doing IVF NOW?" because it seems surreal a little. Less, now that the shots have started - but still a little surreal.

We planned THIS cycle for soooooo long. The first time around we basically cycled as soon as everything was lined up. We got the diagnostic - did all the testing and then got scheduled. This time around, we've been planning this "second IVF cycle" since diagnostic in a way... that's a LONG time. (We had obviously hoped it wouldn't come to another fresh cycle - but it was still in our minds!)

I found out this week-end that my cousin & his wife are doing their first IVF in the next 6 weeks. They know my babes are IVF - but they don't know i'm currently cycling. I don't know her well - I wish I could speak with her to reassure her a little -- funny when I feel like i'm losing my mind. They're on my mind.... (his mom told me and i told her to tell them that they can call - but she said she doesnt' think she'd want her talking about it so she wasn't going to pass on the message... yet she started the conversation with "she wanted to know about the pain of the ER..." but REALLY my AUNT is the one that wanted to know, i guess... since she wasn't going to relay the info in any case!!)

wow. babbling much?

My focus is SHOT today. I NEED to get some work done -- and it's taking me HOURS and HOURS to accomplish tasks that should take next to no time. An hour at most. FUN!

Oh - I did get "good" news after my last u/s (which was the first of the cycle) -- the clinic called and said "you can skip tuesday's U/S -- we'll just see you on Friday!" OK!! :) One less u/s -- sounds great to me :)

Next step is Friday -- that will be day 8 of stims. The beginning of the next phase (or at the very least most likely the beginning of the many scans I will need!)

happy happy happy thoughts.

last BCP...

2009-05-04T09:24:00.002-04:00

today I took my LAST BCP. Maybe forever. Hopefully forever.

I've given myself 3 injections. The first one felt like I had never really stopped except for feeling clumsy holding the bottle + tapping air bubbles. By the second one, it was old hat.

I wish the PIO was that easy...

It's starting to feel a little more real... but only a little. I'm sure once I start feeling my ovaries grow with the gonal-f the reality will set in. Oh and of course the lovely ultrasounds too. Those will make it real... and the 6hr round trip to the clinic... that should really make it feel real.

I'm very very very much looking forward to mid june. and positive results.

happy happy thoughts. Hope is alive in our home & lives right now. happy happy thoughts.

FOUR days to go...

2009-04-27T13:43:00.002-04:00

before the injections start. I wonder if I'll feel grounded by then - because right now, I feel like it's completely surreal. Like it's not "actually" happening to ME... um... odd.

Maybe it's because my two toddlers are keeping me busy... maybe it's because I'm sick from the Pill. Maybe it's cause it's spring time - and last time it was winter. Dormant winter... vs beautiful warm spring.

who knows really! but in four days the injections start.

Coping mechanism...

2009-04-25T21:01:00.004-04:00

Somebody asked me a little while back what "coping mechanism" I was setting up for myself for my cycling time (somebody who has also lived IVF) and I simply said "I've cleared my calendar 100% -- and I'm keeping it that way. May and June are not being planned AT ALL. We may attend functions or do things - but not because they've been planned and we've accepted - but because last minute we decided that "it works for us right now". And it is very much helping. Granted, I have to say I'm terrified of planning july and beyond regardless - but still, it's a start.

The pill is still making me very sick. VERY. Like running to the bathroom sick. I had hoped that we had until about May 22nd to "do things around the house/yard" -- but i'm already lagging. I'm already wanting to nap. I'm already wishing this would stop -- because of this nausea. I should have planned "nothing as of the start of the pill" but I thought it wouldn't be THIS bad. I knew it would be throwing up bad - but not THIS bad. Oh well, if the garden doesn't fully get planted, we'll buy more local organic veggies that I wont be able to eat anyways because I'll be throwing up all summer. Fingers crossed. Well, actually -- this time around i've got everything crossed that I DO NOT suffer from morning sickness -- but I'm 100% ok with it if I do.

I've got a very logical brain -- and proof is a lovely thing.

On a crazy fantastic note - the province of quebec has just announced the law they're trying to have pass.... and it includes THREE free IVF cycle. FREE. THREE. SOOOOOOOOO fantastic!!! It will most likely not apply to us (seeing as we've already paid for this IVF cycle - and we're hoping with everything we've got that this is it!) but we don't care. We're both thrilled that somebody, down the line, will be able to build their families however necessary and financial burden wont be a factor. FANTASTIC news. They're hoping it's in place in a few months... fingers crossed!

It took.... all of TWO DAYS...

2009-04-16T09:20:00.003-04:00

well, not even since it happened ON day two.

Pill = very upset stomach for me = puking my guts out yesterday, day 2. Of course added to that is the period pain I still had (i'm better today) and... a nasty cold I started on CD1.

Nice start, no?

Tomorrow will be better. Cause goodness knows today will be just as bad if not worse.

BUT -- I will aim to stuff my face of food all day long to keep the puking at bay. fun fun. I'm going to gain 20 pounds before I even start the injections!

How BCP -- how I've missed you... NOT.

Day ONE of a LONG journey...

2009-04-14T10:31:00.002-04:00

Today is day one. I just took my very first BCP for this long process...

When I went through IVF the first time around, it was all consuming - and it was ok. It's all I needed to do. I focused everything on the process/cycle. everything.

This time, I have two toddlers and i'm terrified of missing something important. Like a pill or a shot or something.

I'm 17 days away from my first shot. and my 30th birthday.

Spring has been very good to my soul. thank goodness. Waiting till spring was brillant.

Last week we went to get most of my drugs at the clinic. 6 hr round trip - just for drugs - because locally they told me they could get some, but not all. The week before that we went to the clinic after being assured the pharmacy was opened every day by the receptionist. Except Wednesday. We drove ALL that way - with 2 kiddos -- to find out I couldn't get the drugs. I could have -- had I driven to their "sister" location or whatever they call it -- but...... the kids would never have let us manage that. It would have been disaterous. Instead we went to the biodome and had a nice family afternoon.

Neves are setting in very very very well.

In about 7 weeks I should be sharing happy news here. Stay tuned for a crazy rollercoster ;)

in FIFTY days from today

2009-03-12T13:32:00.002-04:00

I start injections for IVF#2.

It's also my 30th birthday in fifty days.

It's like a weird twist that I start that day. For IVF#1 -- My very LAST injection of progesterone (@ 12 weeks of pregnancy) was on my birthday. It's like "full circle/picking up where the shots left off".

My dh was wondering what he should do for my 30th -- and I made it darn clear that no party was to be planned. I just don't need to handle that AND the beggining of the cycle at the same time. Not that the first injection is stressful -- and a party wouldn't be stressful AT ALL -- but combined, it would throw me in a weird state of being. He got it. He wont do anything.

Hope has returned. I still feel the sting of the failed FET -- but I feel hopeful for the new one. Maybe it's the sheer number of injections... like my logical brain is kicking in and saying "this HAS to bring better odds than a silly FET with a few pills!"

I know our odds are good -- but I'm scared to be TOO hopeful. I had too much hope in Nov. when we did our FET.

Of course the protocol starts in ONE cycle from today (since today is CD1) --> Next CD1=BCP. Fun, let the nausea begin.

I swore to myself that I'd use these months to eat better, take better care of ME -- and lose at least 10lbs. Should be EASY. But it's not. I can't stop eating sweets (which hasn't been a norm at all for a long time) and overall i'm exhausted and burning out... My mom is retiring in April -- and I plan on making the MOST of it :)

in so much pain.

2009-01-09T11:54:00.002-05:00

I have good days.... and bad days. I don't cry daily - but nearly. I'm hurting SO bad from this failed cycle. I'm hurting at the thought of doing a fresh IVF - but it hurts soooooo much more to think that I may not have any more children.

I want a baby sooooo bad.

I know I'm blessed in the 2 amazing children that I do have. I know this - and I'm not dismissing that fact. But I've always wanted more than 2.

I now realize that i'm in much more pain NOW than I was when we were first diagnosed. I was FULL of hope then. I hadn't been knocked down yet - other than 'just trying' wasn't working. I hadn't had a failure yet. One fresh cycle - and beautiful baby boy & girl.

Now -- the hope is hard to keep alive... perhaps it's because i'm exhausted - it's not helping, that's for sure. I go from being hopeful to thinking i'm CRAZY for thinking it'll work again.

I don't want to be like this -- I KNOW better. I KNOW i have to keep hope -- but this is stronger than me. Just like i KNOW i didn't kill my embryos --- but those thoughts still creep up -- i just CANNOT help it. It's MORE than me. It's MORE than my logical brain. WAY WAY MORE. If it was just about my logical brain -- the tears would have stopped or at least slowed down by now.

I go from thinking that few are more blessed than me in life.... to thinking that my world is caving on itself and I don't know where to go for air. I feel like there's two me - and it's painful.

Our next apt. with the fertility clinic is on Jan. 22nd - which is coming up fast. I keep thinking I should call and schedule an apt. with the psychologist at the same time but I don't do it. Now it's most likely too late.... then again, i don't know cause i don't call. I don't call because I don't want her to tell me that it's NOT my fault those embryos are dead. I don't want her to tell me that I can get beyond this -- I KNOW ALL THAT. Granted, she'd probably tell me what i can do to HELP it along -- but i'm tired of crying. And crying and talking at the same time is the only thing that's worse than crying. Maybe i'll make one for later... it's just that it's an all day affair going to my fertility clinic -- and while i could probably see somebody closer to home -- she's the only psychologist i've ever ever ever talked to - and she was really really really good. I don't want to talk to somebody else. And I'm too tired and sleep deprived to think about heading to the clinic alone (clinic fine, but the 6hr round trip + big foreign city - not so fine) - so it would mean my dh would have to take a day too. again.

somedays I think i'm doing better - and I realize it's only because i've made an effort on those days to repress the feelings. To pretend it hasn't happened.

12dp5dt - still waiting on the BETA

2008-12-02T11:26:00.003-05:00

but i'm obviously not pregnant. I POAS yesterday before my blood work -- not a HINT of a line. NADA.

I can't believe it. I was ready for my embryos to not make it for whatever reason.... but at this point it's MY FAULT. We transfered a GREAT and a GOOD embryo. That dr. gave me HOPE DAMN IT.

I cannot stop crying - the ugly cry. I've never been HERE. Last time was a fresh cycle and we were blessed. Now -- we've wasted about 2000$ on nothing but PAIN. We're now going to have to spend 12 000-15 000$ on BLIND FAITH that it MIGHT work again - because frankly - at this point i'm thinking the first time was a fluke.

I should shut up and count my blessings - I KNOW I AM BLESSED. I know this. But it doesn't NOT make me feel HORRIBLE. It doesn't take away all the pain. i still feel like a failure.

I feel like I was aborted against my will. I feel like I was pregnant -- and now i'm not. I feel like somebody is stabbing me every 2.4 seconds of every day and night. I can't sleep but yet I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm DEVESTATED.

I have NEVER tried to imagine how I might feel if it didn't work. But i never expected THIS. I thought that I would feel like "SHIT - it didn't work" but that's not anywhere close to how i feel. I don't feel like "this didn't work" I feel like "I DIDN'T MAKE IT WORK. I LET OUR EMBRYOS DIE" I feel like these are babies we'll never get to meet -- and I never ever thought i'd feel like THAT.

I know the tears will eventually stop - as they always do -- but i'm not sure when the hurt will subside.

I wish the damn clinic would just call with my damn results. so I can stop analyzing everybody's beta results at which "day past transfer" giving myself glimmers of hope that shouldn't be. Seriously -- it's over.

ETA: They finally called. 26 hours after I took the damn test. It's..... negative. how surprising.

10dp5dt - HPT BFN

2008-11-30T11:29:00.003-05:00

The HPT was negative this morning.
10dp5dt should be long enough to give accurate result.

I'm holding on to a glimmer of hope -- but mostly I'm crying like there's no tomorrow.

I know there's still "some" chance -- but it's slim now.

it hurts SO bad.

I hope tomorrow I hear some different news..... because the thought of a fresh cycle scares me but the thought of not having more children is so much worse.

omg.

10dp5dt -- and devestated.

9dp5dt - Morning Sickness?

2008-11-29T18:39:00.004-05:00

Seems absurd -- but seriously -- I have something that resembles morning sickness. makes no sense -- isn't it way too eary?!

I haven't tested yet -- TOMORROW MORNING. Day before beta. It's my tradition. (haha as if i can call it that)

My dh would have had me test days and days ago -- but I knew that a neg. even if it was just because it was too early would have hurt. I knew for the sake of HOPE i had to WAIT. Till tomorrow. 10dp5dt -- should be accurate, don't you think?

CRAZY nervous. I NEED that stick to say "pregnant" so bad. sooooo bad.

Going through this cycle with kiddos around is sooooooooooo different. It's been soooooo hard to wait the 10 days -- but at the same time - i'm so dazed and busy -- that it's all a blur. We haven't been patient ONE BIT. AT times I was in tears thinking I would NEVER make it to tomorrow. But at the same time I can't wrap my mind around the fact that 9 days ago I was in the OR having our embryos transfered. Feels like months ago - not 9 days ago. Almost feels like a dream... Exhaustion does WEIRD things to your brain!! Last time around I could "feel" every second that went by......

Oh -- and we're having FUN TIMES playing phone tag between the clinic & the pharmacy -- because.... drum roll please..... I'M REACTING TO THE PROGESTERONE INJECTIONS. ARH. I need to switch to suppositories, 3 times a day. FUN FUN. GIME ME A SHOT ANYDAY over 3x a day suppositories. My sister said "well, it's not worse that say changing a tampon 3 times a day..." Um, yeah - but a) i don't use those and b) you don't change tampons 3x a day for THREE MONTHS STRAIGHT!! NOT really complaining -- bring on a great pregnancy -- but still, I PREFER long needles :) It's going to be AT LEAST a week before my pharmacy can get them -- so tomorrow i might need to check with other pharmacies and shipping and such. My reactions are big blotchy red patches that "grow" and are CRAZY itchy and a little warm. I wanted to "stick it out" since it was just skin reaction -- BUT i'm almost out of space for injections because it's covering THAT much space... on ONE SIDE. How weird is that??? one side doesn't react. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD!!!

9dp5dt -- and CRAZY nervous. CRAZY.

5dp5dt -- and not very patient....

2008-11-25T19:11:00.003-05:00

I haven't taken the time to blog!

Our tranfer was last Thursday. It went MUCH better than I could have anticipated. 100% survived. WOW!!! At the time of the transfer we had one GREAT and one GOOD embryo to transfer (so we did) we also had one "that didn't do much of anything" and the dr. said he felt confident that if we transfered three we wouldn't end up with triplets. We couldn't take that gamble.

So one of our embryos is no longer - and while that's a little hard for me to take -- i'm more focused on praying these two take. Or at least one, but hopefully two.

I had slight cramping everyday except the last 2 days. And then again this evening -but this evening it was sharper and had me worried. I was TERRIFIED to see blood -- but I haven't and the pain has passed. Thank goodness.

On the day of the transfer, we left home at 5am - not knowing when the transfer was going to be -- because we couldn't wait at home for a call that said "be here in 2 hours" when we're 3+ hrs away from the clinic. After much waiting around and pacing halls we got news that they were doing great and that the transfer would be at noon. The dr. that did the transfer was REALLY nice -- and calming.... the staff was ALL great -- they seem to genuinely love making people happy. The nurse at one point said "today's been a good day!" PERFECT thing to hear on your transfer day :) When the transfer was over she said "ok, i'll bring you back to your cubicle..." and I said "really? i thought we had to wait here? I'm just surprised since I had to wait last time -- but if you guys don't think we have to - i'll just move!" and she said "every woman wants to stay -- and you're the last for the day -- so stay for 10-20 minutes, no problem..." :) I wanted to pee -- but I wanted to stay put more.

On the way home I felt SO calm. I told my husband that I felt so relaxed, like I had just spent hours at a spa. Spa like? Seriously??? Minutes before that I had a speculum up my vajayay with a FULL full full bladder and.... somebody PUSHING on it. Yet the stress relief I felt afterwards made my whole body relaxed, like a spa. Imagine.

And I have to say that through the transfer I kept saying "this is soooooooooo AMAZING" seriously -- We got to see 2 of our embryos on a tv. That's COOL. Sucks that we have to go through all that -- but amazing still.

The waiting has been HORRIBLE. So hard. CRAZY hard. My husband took the week off since I shouldn't pick up the kids -- and our kiddos LOVE being picked up! We're trying to put 100% of the odds on OUR side, and he could take the time - so it works out.... BUT at the same time it's giving us both too much time to THINK. If we were crazy busy we wouldn't be thinking of next monday every second of the day. We'd just think of it every hour or so.

I'm going to test on Sunday -- and it will be positive :)

My dh is ready to start testing now -- saying he wouldn't be bugged by negatives NOW because he'd expect them to be neg. now since it's too early -- but I just keep thinking that brings us down a road of "well, should TODAY still be neg?" "what about NOW?" and so on. Too hard on my nerves!!

I feel like I feel too "ok" to be pregnant while I realize that's totally rediculous because how else would I feel at this point? Last time around it was a fresh cycle -- and at this point in time I was still feeling the effects of the stims. This time -- it's just "normal life" while "not normal at all".

5dp5dt: Impatient.

CD14: Anxiety Attacks?

2008-11-18T22:08:00.002-05:00

Today I had mini panic attacks all day from nerves. I am SO scared of the embryologist's call on Thursday. TERRIFIED. It can't be normal!?
I can't remember being THIS nervous last time....

I feel like I have WAY too much riding on this.

On sat. i started a drug for four days. Today I took the last one. I think that's what triggered it all this morning, when I saw the bottle had ONE lonely pill in it. ALREADY?! The transfer is in TWO days?!

Tomorrow I had a day planned with friends & their kids - but both had to cancel. On one hand I can't help but feel like this is a sign of bad things. On the other hand -- I wanted to do a photoshoot with my kiddos -- and now it's like i've been given the extra time to do that before the transfer. Maybe that's a sign of good?

Can you tell i'm a nervous reck?!

CD13 -- scared.

2008-11-17T13:14:00.002-05:00

Last friday (cd10) I had an u/s at my clinic... 6 1/2 hr round trip for a 2 minute scan. and about 15 min with a nurse for a refresher on progesterone injections and such.

My lining is READY. I was so stunned the dr just said "11 - that's great - you're ready" ... me: "um... ready for...?" as in can't be the transfer, can it?! he laughed and said "you don't believe me that it's this simple this time around?" um... NO! but i'll take it.

So we started the progesterone injections on Saturday.

Transfer is Thursday. We have three embryos -- and we only just found out that they can be re-frozen if not used -- i had no clue. Having said that, I'm pretty confident we'll transfer 2 if we're blessed with 2 surving the thaw.

My dh is scared of having twins again -- although in his words: "we'll deal with it when we get there - these are the cards we were dealt..." but he would rather transfer one embryo.

I have such issue wrapping my mind around the fact that we may have embryos we wont use. or put at higher risk of not surviving say if we would thaw, freeze and try to thaw again. If you had asked me for an opinion regarding embryos and life -- before ANY of this happened -- probably even the day before the fertilization -- my answer would have been different. Now, I can't get over the fact that that's LIFE. it's OURS - my dna & my dh's dna. They're OURS. I cannot imagine "discarding" them.

I just hope that we end up with a successful healthy pregnancy of course -- but I'm scared of what the thoughts of those embryos not surviving might do to my emotional state. I'll cross there if and when we get there, i realize -- but i can't help but wonder.

Also -- I've realized that i'm terrified of all this -- i'm scared. I'm hopeful, but SCARED. I haven't slept well at all the last 2 nights -- which isn't like me -- i don't get THAT much sleep -- but when i'm sleeping i'm SLEEPING. The last 2 nights i've been awake hours on end tossing and turning thinking about thursday. Thinking about waiting for the call from the embryologist.

Scared.

CD 9 - still freaking out

2008-11-13T11:38:00.002-05:00

So today is CD9. Tomorrow is my fist scan at McGill -- and I'm still freaking out. Hopefully I'll feel slightly more relaxed after tomorrow -- but who knows really.

We had to tell my dh's mom because we need childcare. My dh was 100% sre she'd say "are you sure?" and sure enough, she did ask. I find it out of line, personally. If we were blessed like MOST people -- we'd be having sex to procreate. AND........ you better believe we wouldn't be running it by his mom.

I have next to no side effects from the Estrace -- and I almost wish I did -- it would be an easier reminder to take it 3 times a day! I have been taking it -- but somedays I'm an hr or so late! I have one of those fancy 7 days a week pill box -- between the six estrace + the folic acid i'm taking -- just to make sure i don't forget any doses....

This morning I managed to reschedule my 9am apt for 10:15. THANK GOODNESS. We would have had to leave at 5:30 and prayed we made it in time for the 9am apt. Now, we'll be ok. thank goodness!!

CD 4 - On Estrace....

2008-11-08T14:39:00.002-05:00

So i'm on day 3 of estrace now.
I think I bloated overnight the first night -- I pulled on my jeans that I pull on EVERY morning while getting out of bed.... and they were crazy tight?! weird. it hasn't gotten worse -- thank goodness, cause I was thinking I'd look about 4 months pregnant by the tranfer date - if it kept going at that rate!

I was also lightheaded the first day -- but it didn't seem to keep going... granted, my first day I had to take all 6mg in a span of 6 hours -- instead of a full day (between 5pm and 11pm vs morning, noon and night)

And i've got a weird pain on my stomach -- like if ONE of my hundred stretch marks hurts all of a sudden or something. weird.

And today my boobs hurt -- although closer to under my arm than my actual boobs. Odd, but still I think it's the hormones.

The pills are purple which seemed to me that it was a reminder to call my best friend and let her know about all this (it's her favorite colour by far and away!) but I haven't done it. I am holding out hope that I just might be able to surprise people with the news of a pregnancy like NORMAL people do!! WOW -- I might get to feel NORMAL??

Although of course the part that scares me is telling them that it DIDN'T work (but it will, so i wont have to go through that ;) ) and that we no longer have any embryos on ice. OMG.

Yes, still terrified. Hopeful -- very very hopeful -- but still terrified. I'm greateful that the feelings of hope I did feel in 2006 have returned. It's not JUST fear!

And... to the person who commented on my last post, thank you :) and you can reach me here: dianewinnifred@yahoo.ca Hope to hear from you!

CD2 - first u/s scan

2008-11-06T11:50:00.003-05:00

I was 20 minutes late for my scan this morning -- took me an hr and a half to get the the clinic and it REALLY shouln't have. There was construction delays (really long ones?!) and crazy fog.

Scan went "well" -- although really - all they were looking at was the measurement of my lining, so really -- how bad could that go? haha.

On my way out I smiled at the parking attendant cause it's like he hadn't noticed my car -- and he said "Good morning young lady, I love your smile..." :) Geez -- know how to make a frazled day ALL BETTER? :)

And then on the on the way home I went from THICK fog to instant clearing with a beautiful sunrise -- it was like I was driving in heaven.

It's absolutely unseasonably warm today (20oC for November - that's CRAZY :) but i'll take it!)

When I met my dh at his work to get the kiddos and head home (we had just driven in for the switch and then was going to work) I went to a kids clothing store quickly to see if they had nice coats for the kiddos -- and I bumped into my dre. I never see her out and about -- she was excited for the beginning of our cycle :)

Just waiting to hear from the clinic.... so they can tell me what dose of Estrace to start taking - and so they can fax over the prescription to the pharmacy -- and of course to find out when my next scan is. That one will be 3+ hrs away. (6hrs round trip! let the fun times begin!!)

Cycling Again.

2008-11-05T11:33:00.002-05:00

I realize my last post is almost a yr and a half old.

But..... we're cycling again this month and I've realized I really need this blog!!

Today is CD1. I should have an ultrasound tomorrow (if the clinic ever calls me back!) and then one probably on Nov. 17th.

I'm terrified this wont work. I'm terrified i've put too much into THIS cycle, our only chance (right now) at a frozen cycle. We have THREE embryos on ice.

I'm excited and hopeful of the possibility. But mostly terrified.

For the first time we may have to deal with embryos not surviving -- and it's hard. IVF was CRAZY hard, but we didn't deal with that. (we delt with lots of other stuff, it was NOT easier - i just mean different)

Nobody knows yet (other than my sister who currently lives half a world away) but we're going to have to share in the coming days in order to have childcare for the 2 monkeys.

I'm also worried about the 2ww with 2 monkeys. Last time I put myself on a self-inflicted-semi-bedrest -- but I can't do that being a stay at home mom!! I think I might try to work out a schedule that my in laws take them a few days each week, maybe see if my mom can take 2 days - one for each week and my dh too -- so that if i'm alone it's not 100% of the time. Maybe it's silly -- but IF brings out that side of me.

here's to a FANTASTIC perfect cycle and CRAZY happy news between now and christmas :)

photographs!

2007-05-17T11:02:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated in a while...

I've been sick for 2 weeks -- better now, but horribly tired still from it.

The naming ceremony was last week-end -- it was BEAUTIFUL. Even my mother who wasn't too sure of the whole thing thought it was perfect and beautiful :)

My MIL is driving me nuts. SERIOUSLY nuts. Like brought me to tears a few times in the last few weeks.

The babies are doing well, although they're still CRAZY tiny (not even 10 pounds yet at more than 6 months) we've started solids and we went from nothing to 3 meals a day... not a gradual approach at all -- but it's working -- cause they're now gaining weight. I keep wanting to think "what was i doing wrong :( " but i can't go back in time so i try to keep myself from going there.

here are a few recent photographs from this morning...

hope all is well in blog land!

my dh is sick.

2007-04-03T10:26:00.000-04:00

he's been batting a cold for like a month... but now he's got a stomach bug since yesterday :(

worse part... he decides to ask his mom to come help. WHAT? I'm NORMALLY alone in the day... so why would i need her??? he feels useless that he can't help. Fine, but normally - at your desk at work you're not helping either.

So now not only do i have to deal with a sick dh... but i have to deal with his mom too. FUN TIMES.

Oh ... and she said "cause HE CAN'T HOLD THE BABIES -- he's sick..." which we're trying to avoid him having to do ANYWAYS... BUT when i'm sick -- i still get to hold them? She babies him in a weird way...

fun fun fun!

a Naming Ceremony

2007-03-30T11:40:00.000-04:00

we're planning a naming ceremony for our children... we've decided that we do not want an 'actual' baptism -- but we WANT our children to have "god parents". Technically -- that seems wrong since godparents are the result of a baptism -- but both of us have godparents from our baptism that didn't 'help raise us in the church'... so then isn't that wrong too?

my mom said 'you should just baptise them' i said 'they can chose that later if they want' she said "you know they wont..." why? cause we're not religious? wait... that's MY point!!! ha!HA!

My MIL straight out said it was stupid. We couldn't have god parents without a baptism. I guess she's the baptism/godparent police.

Who can say it's STUPID to want to celebrate our children. I found this on a site...
"A baby naming ceremony offers a beautiful alternative, giving you a chance to openly welcome your child and affirm your love and commitment to them surrounded by a loving circle of family and friends." put that way - who looks dumb?

I know she'll come around -- it's just completely frustrating that her initial knee-jerk reaction is to call it stupid and make me feel horrible. ARH.

My sisters on the other hand think it's a wonderful idea.

sorry. needed to vent.

Would you print your Blog?

2007-03-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

I've been wanting to print mine out to keep.... and i just realized you can actually get them printed! (www.blurb.com)

Would you do it? I'm a little worried because there's stuff in there i wouldn't want ANYBODY to read... but then again -- if i had a physical diary I wouldn't expect anybody to read that either... um...

I'm sure i'll print it -- although the level of edit might be more than my true emotions ... we'll see!

And thanks to those that commented on my last post...

and -- Yes, I'm a professional photographer.

On this topic -- i think I could write a WHOLE book on my MIL and the stuff she's said/done since the babies are here that leave us scratching our heads... but I wont.

E is calling me so I gotta run!

200$

2007-02-28T14:31:00.000-05:00

the bill for our yearly embryo storage came in the mail this week. it felt a little surreal.

a year ago, we were praying for a bfp... today we have 2 perfect 4 month old babies!

i miss blogging -- and the people!

It's weird... as perfect as life is right now... i keep thinking about having to go through it again... which i know is crazy... i should shut up and appreciate! (i do appreciate my babies!!!) they say that IF stress compares to the stress of cancer -- and i keep thinking that going through IVF again would be like self inflicting that stress... putting it that way makes me feel crazy.

All that to say... I know for SURE that once considered IF - it's ALWAYS there. you live with it. period.

I have to run... my very adorable-demanding-lack-of-sleeping babies need me! I hope to catch up soon... i seriously miss my blogging world!

They're 3+ weeks already!

2006-11-20T18:18:00.000-05:00

it goes crazy fast... CRAZY fast.
we're all doing well... minor annoyances (mil) but other than that - life is FANTASTIC!

Breastfeeding is going well - although my left boob hurts A LOT... although already much less than it was hurting - so hopefully soon it'll all be good...

Here are a few photos... :) I haven't taken nearly enough of "my work"... i've been too out of it - and it sucks because they're only this tiny/newborn for so long - which is actually very short... hopefully i'll have a chance to do a few more shots soon...

Thanks for all the congrats :)

They're HERE :)

2006-11-07T16:42:00.001-05:00

They're here - and they're PERFECT!

After 48 hours of failed induction and my [asymptomatic] pre-e/HELLP getting worse and worse - I ended up with a C-section on friday Oct. 27th.

The babies are precious... and got their "ok to go home" on Sunday... but I had to stay till Wednesday because of pre-e stuff not getting back to normal quick enough... It was a LONG week in the hospital - and we're VERY happy to be home!!

I had many nurses ask me if my husband always treated me like he did - because they were in awe... Yes: I'm a lucky woman!! He's been amazing with the babies... and he's home for TWO MONTHS now!

Ok... on with info you might care about!

Elizabeth Angela Judy-Ann was 5 lbs 7 ozs and Alexandre Troy Andrzej was 5 lbs 12 ozs...
(pronouned Alexander in english - or the french way - which ever - were not picky and very bilingual!!)

Elizabeth (or Ellie)

Alexandre (or Alexander or Alex)

And both...

THANK YOU for all the well wishes :)

IT'S TODAY!!!

2006-10-25T13:46:00.000-04:00

I'm being induced in a few hours... OMG.

I have quite high blood pressure today - they did blood work and decided it was for the best to induce. HOLY SHIT.

IT'S TODAY.

Pray that they come today... for a short labour! Otherwise, tomorrow at the latest we will meet our babies! We can't wait to find out what we're having!! :)

It's going to be manageable, right?

I'm a heck of a lot more calm than i thought i would be... my dh on the otherhand apparently JUST realized we're having babies! ha!HA! :)

37 weeks.

2006-10-24T21:22:00.000-04:00

and yes, i'm still pregnant. VERY pregnant. Last night was absolute hell.

I have a dr. apt. tomorrow. She may tell me as of when i'll be on the induction list - OR she might say to wait till our next apt, the following wed. to but added to the list.

I keep thinking it's GOTTA be soon - i'm in so much pain - but then again - pregnancy wise things are going "well" - so i bet you I could be pregnant for quite a few more weeks.

Oh - and my thing about my SIL being in Europe right now and how she was so sure she woudln't miss the birth - i guess she was right. She'll be home in 2 days - and I doubt i'll be having the babies between now and then... My dh said he wished he could have proved her wrong!! Oh well... IF i happen to hear "I knew i'd be back" (or "she'd be back" because my MIL has been driving me nuts with this topic) I'll LOSE IT. (can you say HORMONAL??)

37 weeks pregnant and INCREDIBLY nauseated today... and sleeping on the sofa tonight again... man - i miss being comfortable in my bed... hopefully that's right around the corner!!!

WHY?

2006-10-23T15:26:00.000-04:00

Ok... I'm having serious emotional issues this week. I can't seem to get over IF this week. That might sound stupid - especially to those of you who aren't pregnant yet... and i'm sorry if i sound offensive, there is no intention of that.

I can't believe I had to do IVF to become pregnant.

A little while back I saw this thing on TV about this woman having to give herself injections to become pregnant. My first thought "OMG - i couldn't imagine..." and then... the uncontrollable tears. I DID DO THAT. THAT WAS ME - not that long ago. it's like it's now surreal.

I've now realized why women who battle IF often don't fight afterwards... they "pretend it didn't happen" or "put it all behind them..." because apparently, that's what our mind does automatically - and i'm not even done yet.

I'm not done - although part of my emotional reck this week was "can i seriously think of doing this AGAIN??" and i have to - because i'm having more.

Maybe it stems from us laughing the other day that we wont be telling our twins who came out first... because i don't want others to treat them as "big brother/little brother" (or sister or whatever!) when they're TWINS. My sister said "that makes sense, besides they were concieved at the same time..." to which i replied "um yeah - but then so is our next child probably, if all works out..." Maybe that's why I can't shake things lately. Not sure.

Maybe it's because they're about to come out so i'm reliving how I got pregnant. Although that doesn't seem to make sense - do normal people at this point keep thinking about how they had SEX? doesn't seem logical... although that's the last time I had an IV put in. I've had many wand u/s in the last weeks to measure my cervix - and i hadn't had them since the day we found out it was twins at the IF clinic. So maybe... maybe it's all linked.

I don't know - I just hope it passes... SOON.

36w6d and wishing I would go in labour today... it's labour day in New Zealand! ha!HA!

I'm ready.

2006-10-22T11:47:00.000-04:00

I'm no longer terrified of labour. I'm ready. I am positive that's why mother nature decided to make me ache so much!! I think you cross over this line where you can hardly tolerate the pain and then you realize that labour is OK and even welcomed. A few weeks ago I was totally terrified. I was obviously not in enough pain.

Everyday it hurts SO MUCH MORE than the previous day... BUT it's all worth it :) I'm also getting more and more hot i think... It's 14oC in our bedroom and I can sit there naked for hours and not be cold one bit. Actually - if I stay long enough i get hot. It's 14oC. I'm still wearing flip flops outside and i'm not cold. It's A LOT colder than 14oC outside. THIS IS NUTS. If it doesn't go away as soon as I deliver I wont be able to sleep in the same room as the babies... THEY can't be exposed to 14oC. That's rediculous. My dh is at the end of his rope too - i think he's turning on the heat tonight. I'd be opening the window. NO JOKE. I've never imagined it could be like this??? ALL i can say is THANK GOODNESS it's fall and no longer summer - i probably would have passed out by now. Last week one morning i was SO sick/uncomfortable... I opened the doors and brought the house down from 18oC to 15oC and I felt better. I realized I was overheating. At 18oC, imagine.

Yesterday we got fish :) Our aquarium was SO pathetic... We tried to stage it properly when we moved a while back - but we failed and killed all but one fish. We have a huge tank (55 gallons) and we had ONE fish :( Now we have 6 :) and we'll be cycling it properly and eventually we'll have 20+. FINALLY. it looks full of life again - we bought plants too (we have such issues with plants - it's CRAZY!!) hopefully these will do well... it looks fantastic - and it's like instant "better mood" for me! We have an open concept home and it's in the dining room but you can't avoid it from the kitchen and the living room - so it was "abandoned" right in our living space...

I asked my dh last night if he thought there was such a thing as a labour dance (you know, like a rain dance or sun dance...) and he said "i'm pretty sure that if you attempt ANY dance at this point it'll bring on labour!" ah!HA! I'd wash the walls but i can't physically do that at this point... although i think i'm going to wash our windows right now - cause they're annoying me like there's no tomorrow!!

PLEASE send labour vibes my way!! :)

36w5d pregnant and READY to meet these little ones!

36 weeks.

2006-10-18T18:01:00.000-04:00

OMG. I kind of thought I would have had these babies by now!! I'm hoping for a quick labour maybe next week?

I'm in SOOOOOOO much pain... and it requires me doing NOTHING. Getting out of bed last night (10x) was nearly impossible :( i REALLY hope tonight will be better.

And..... I'M BORED? i don't know why now? it's like all of a sudden i feel very bored... maybe it's cause as limited as i WAS i wasn't doing much - but now i'm doing even less. if that's possible.

I had an apt. today... it went well... I really like the team of OBs I see - and the nurses are all great too... I hope the delivery staff is that great too! I asked about how they go about to induce - and she said that some drs will prefer to monitor very closely (u/s every 2 days) and some will just induce. I'm sitting here wondering what's best? At that point i'll have issues walking (i'm positive!) AND not everything can be caught in those monitoring u/s... AND how good can it be to be exposed to even MORE u/s? I've had SO MANY already - and one every 2 days could add up if the babies are very cozy!! It's hard to know which would be the best decision... BUT I'm going to go into labour on my own - next week - so it wont be an issue, right?

I CANNOT wait to meet the babies!!

Oh - and I might get the opportunity to have a photo session with one of my FAVORITE photographers next summer... my sister will be in nfld - and we plan on going to visit... that would be incredible... but i'll have to start saving now!!!

36w1d and incredibly pregnant... I cannot wait to actually be able to lie down in bed and feel comfortable!!! :) Now i totally understand why women who have had twins say "don't worry about sleeping while pregnant - you'll sleep later..." uh yeah - cause later i'll be ABLE to!!

ANY GUESSES on the sexes??

Have you ever...

2006-10-14T21:06:00.000-04:00

Because all i have to do is bold what i've done and not type anything (carpal tunnel quite annoying today!) i thought i'd play...

stolen from Chas...the things I've done are bold:

01. bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. swam with wild dolphins
03. climbed a mountain
04. taken a ferrari for a test drive
05. been inside the great pyramid
06. held a tarantula
07. taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. said "i love you" and meant it
09. hugged a tree
10. bungee jumpedh
11. visited paris
12. watched a lightning storm at sea
13. stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. seen the northern lights (locally, not really up north - but crazy amazing sometimes!!)
15. gone to a huge sports game
16. walked the stairs to the top of the leaning tower of pisa
17. grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. touched an iceberg
19. slept under the stars
20. changed a baby's diaper
21. taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. watched a meteor shower
23. gotten drunk on champagne
24. given more than you can afford to charity
25. looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. had a food fight
28. bet on a winning horse (OK, so it was a dog...close enough)
29. asked out a stranger
30. had a snowball fight
31. screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. held a lamb
33. seen a total eclipse
34. ridden a roller coaster
35. hit a home run
36. danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. adopted an accent for an entire day
38. actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. had two hard drives for your computer
40. visited all 50 states
41. taken care of someone who was drunk
42. had amazing friends
43. danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. watched whales
45. stolen a sign
46. backpacked in europe
47. taken a road-trip
48. gone rock climbing
49. midnight walk on the beach
50. gone sky diving
51. visited ireland
52. been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. in a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. visited japan
55. milked a cow
56. alphabetized your cds
57. pretended to be a superhero
58. sung karaoke
59. lounged around in bed all day
60. played touch football
61. gone scuba diving
62. kissed in the rain
63. played in the mud
64. played in the rain
65. gone to a drive-in theater
66. visited the great wall of china
67. started a business
68. fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. toured ancient sites
70. taken a martial arts class
71. played d&d for more than 6 hours straight
72. gotten married
73. been in a movie
74. crashed a party
75. gotten divorced
76. gone without food for 5 days
77. made cookies from scratch
78. won first prize in a costume contest
79. ridden a gondola in venice
80. gotten a tattoo
81. rafted the snake river
82. been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. gotten flowers for no reason
84. performed on stage
85. been to las vegas
86. recorded music
87. eaten shark
88. kissed on the first date
89. gone to thailand
90. bought a house
91. been in a combat zone
92. buried one/both of your parents
93. been on a cruise ship
94. spoken more than one language fluently
95. performed in rocky horror
96. raised children (NOT YET...!)
97. followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. passed out cold
99. taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. walked the golden gate bridge
102. sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. had plastic surgery
104. survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
105. wrote articles for a large publication
106. lost over 100 pounds
107. held someone while they were having a flashback
108. piloted an airplane
109. touched a stingray
110. broken someone's heart
111. helped an animal give birth (ok - i grabed a rope for dad when i was like 10)
112. won money on a t.v. game show
113. broken a bone
114. gone on an african photo safari
115. had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
119. had major surgery
120. had a snake as a pet
121. hiked to the bottom of the grand canyon
122. slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours (mono anyone??)
123. visited more foreign countries than u.s. states
124. visited all 7 continents
125. taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. eaten kangaroo meat
127. eaten sushi
128. had your picture in the newspaper
129. changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. gone back to school
131. parasailed
132. touched a cockroach
133. eaten fried green tomatoes
134. read The iliad - and the odyssey
135. selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. skipped all your school reunions
138. communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. been elected to public office
140. written your own computer language
141. thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. built your own PC from parts
144. sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. had a booth at a street fair (wasn't a street fair, but a baby fair)
146. dyed your hair
147. been a dj
148. shaved your head
149. caused a car accident
150. saved someone's life

35 weeks.

2006-10-12T14:20:00.000-04:00

well, 35 weeks 2 days. OMG.

my belly is almost always lopsided :) it's kind of funny!
Last friday i felt baby B have hiccups for the first time!
U/S on tuesday... 5.5lbs and 5.8lbs... it was REALLY hard to get measurements for A - he or she is too low - it hurt SO bad for the tech to try to get measurements... but finally she managed (i think) to get somewhat accurate measurements... first time around she said 4.14 lbs... Um... that's 3ozs more than 3 weeks ago... IF that's accurate - SOMETHING IS REALLY WRONG... I was getting annoyed - cause she kept saying that she couldn't get accurate measurements (fine!) but that things are ok... um... the point of these u/s is to figure out if there's a size difference... if there's NOT - then it indicates a PROBLEM. I'm not having these u/s just for fun... so either we manage more accurate measurements... or we get another tech in here (she's the ONE tech at the hospital that we don't really like :( the first time we had her she didn't even know how to capture the measurements for TWINS (as in where to write what)) or get the dr. in here so that we can discuss... but all turned out well, i'm 99% sure!

my nausea is HORRIBLE these days.

ALL my muscles hurt - ok - maybe not ALL - but nearly.

I'm not dialated :( but my cervix is quite short!! I hope my body continues to do the work slowly/painlessly/gradually...!!

Met with our doula again... i'm really happy we went with her.

We have an apt. with my family dr. for the BABIES. Yes, on Nov. 2nd they have their first drs apt. We don't even know for sure that they'll be here by then!! but that's our tentative apt. OMG. How real is it when you have an apt for unborn babies?

I've realized we don't have enough pj's for 0-3 months. I went from feeling quite prepared to really not. Really - we have everything... so we are prepared - a few more pj's will make us REALLY ready... so i'm not sure why i'm freaking out over that.

I also don't have nursing bras. Or nursing pads. They say you should wait till you're 35 weeks to buy a nursing bra. That's now. I'm in too much pain to go shopping. GREAT.

My carpal tunnel is getting worse daily. I'll live.

Yesterday I felt baby A's baby parts a lot - like i could make out either a knee or an elbow and such.... it was awesome.

We've decided not to share with ANYBODY who ends up being baby A and B. We're not sharing who's born first and second. I always thought it was weird for people to refer to twins as "older / younger sibling" kind of thing... and then i met a woman who didn't share with anybody which was born first... :) that's our goal anyways.

On Sat. morning, my SIL took photographs of my dh and I - i'm SO happy we have some!!! Although..... i wish we could have done it earlier... I officially feel like a blob! (and kind of look like one too!) I haven't been skinny in yrs - but i look at photos from not long before i was pregnant and think "damn i looked good!!" and really - i didn't look that good - it's just that i look WAY skinny compared to what i look like now! ha!ha!

35 weeks pregnant... READY for the babies to come -- but would like them to stay inside for another 2 weeks or so! :)

HEAVEN!!

2006-10-09T19:31:00.000-04:00

This might be WAY too much information for some... sorry in advance...

BUT - my dh just shaved my legs - because there's NO WAY i can do it anymore... and it's like i just won the lottery... I feel so much better!!!

Thank goodness for wonderful husbands!!

I keep thinking that the tradition that says that the woman recieves a gift from her husband after going through labour (because frankly it's hard work!!) in our family needs to be reversed. He's done so much (read: everything!) over the pregnancy and even before when I was having a hard time with IF (at that point i could do lots - but he was doing LOTS more too, cause he's the BEST!)

He doesn't read my blog... but STILL i had to praise him... Can't imagine doing this without him :)

On the pregnancy front - i've decided to NOT attempt more than FIVE hours in bed (which isn't straight anyways - i go pee AT LEAST once an hour!!) and spend the rest of the time on the sofa... hopefully it'll help, although i'm at the point where i'm pretty sure NOTHING will help! And I really didn't think this was possible... but i'm way warmer NOW than i have been all pregnancy... you CANNOT imagine how thankful I am that it's fall :)

Tomorrow.... we get to see the babies again :) I hope all is well...

34 weeks.

2006-10-07T21:22:00.000-04:00

well, 34w4d.

The babies will be here within the next 3 1/2 weeks. OMG.

I'm still planning a natural drug free birth. I was just replying on a thread on a message board, basically defending my choice. I don't understand. WHY can't people understand that there are SO MANY ways for people to deliver and for each of us, our ideal delivery will be different than the next persons? So what if i want to go drug free? why does that ruffle people so much?

Tonight.... it went as far as saying that modern medicine should be APPRECIATED and has eliminated the need to go drug free. That "some of us" wouldn't be here (pregnant) without IVF. Um... ME NEITHER!!!! Doesn't mean that given the OPTION i would have opted to go through IVF. Call me crazy - but i would have opted for the old fashion, natural way... I WOULD HAVE HAD SEX ;) like normal people!! Now i have a choice on how I deliver... I consider that LUCKY.

Goodness knows there's a high chance I end up in a c-section - I KNOW THAT. High chance i end up with an epidural as well - I KNOW THAT. I'm ok with either - but they're not my first choice... that's all.

(can you tell i'm VERY hormonal?)

I'm at the point now where I REALLY don't want them to come yet - but at the same time I CANNOT wait for them to come. I ACHE everywhere... and I cry getting out of bed - which is about 5-6 times a night. I honestly think I might fall out of bed before this pregnancy is over :(

Last night we had thanksgiving diner. We have another one tomorrow. And we have a kitchen full of leftovers. No need to cook for quite a while :) I am missing 2 family gatherings this week-end - because i'm in way too much pain to travel to them :(

Talking about IVF (way above... not relating to thanksgiving!) I showed 2 of my close friends a bunch of photos i had printed recently... One of them was a self portrait I did a while back - way before getting pregnant - where you see my eyes and a book opened hiding/suffocating me as a symbol and you can REALLY read the title, it's a huge part of the photograph...(the book: Infertily SUCKS) I would say the image is strong... raw... REAL... sad even. One of my friends said "oh that's so cute!" I almost burst into tears. WHAT? Cute? last thing that crossed my mind when I TOOK the image, nor when i see it. I guess there's just different level of comprehension? I might try to post the photograph if anybody wants to see it - i just don't have it properly sized on this computer yet! Those 2 are the only 2 people that will see that photograph in real life. I guess i picked wrong.

34+ weeks pregnant, crazy hormonal again... and almost sure of our boy names!! (we've had girl names for A LONG TIME!! i think they were finalized before we got a BFP!!)

33 weeks.

2006-09-27T17:08:00.000-04:00

yes, 33 weeks.

In a MAX of 5 weeks, the babies will be here. Obviously it could be sooner. I kind of hope it is - because i would like to avoid being induced if at all possible!! So in like 4 1/2 weeks would be perfect. that would bring me to 37 1/2.

Things are going well - although i'm HUGE and now seriously feeling the effects. Being in bed HURTS - i've just about given up on it... I do sleep quite a bit - i'm impressed - but i get up often. Last night, no joke - i think i got up 8 times. In 7 hrs.

We had an u/s today... everything looks great -- baby A seems stuborn and really hard to wake up - even with baby B kicking... I couldn't help but think "that's JUST like me!!" when i'm not pregnant - i'm DEAD to the world when i sleep!! Shaking me often has no impact on it either. Lets pray baby A is like that when he/she comes out! Oh - and baby A is 4 lbs 11 ozs and baby B is 4:12. OMG. That's like 9 1/2 pounds of baby in me already!! :) I'm glad they're gaining loads though!!

The baby laundry is done. Everything smells like Ivory Snow :) The room is nearly ready... every night seems like we add some little touch - but it's looking great. The art is nearly up as well... I framed a t-shirt that belonged to my dh as a baby and I framed a little knitted vest that my mom's godmom made for me... she died right around the same time i was born :( The framed clothing look GREAT - turned out much better than i was expecting!! I also photographed all of our favorite toys from when we were little (mine and my 3 siblings and my dh's and his sister's) so we'll have a collection of 6 to frame :) i just have to actually frame them now! (i have the frame - but dh has to help - my carpal tunnel is too far gone for me to be able to do it by myself)

I've recovered 1/3 of the glider we got (the seat only) and I NEED to finish the rest ASAP!! (before my hands completely let out!) I've recovered our ottoman in the living room - it was pissing me off!! I finished my diaper bag!! and I still need to finish both slings... I'm spending too much time trying to figure out HOW i want to finish them - so i haven't done them... I've decided (i think! i hate being indecisive like this!!) to skip the zippered pocket and just put accent fabric on it - but with an opening so i can basically fold the sling in... again - NOT SURE!!

This is a photo of me taken last week... @ 32 weeks.

and here are photos of my diaper bag :)

33 weeks 1 day pregnant and today i've been incredible nauseated... nothing has helped :( I just hope it doesn't keep getting worse and worse... this could be as bad as it gets, right? (cause it's pretty bad!) BUT...... it's all worth it :)

If you're going through HELL...

2006-09-18T15:05:00.000-04:00

When going through IF *hell* after every appointment on the way home (so at the beginning of the 3hr drive home!) we'd always put on "Up" by Shania Twain... Cause it seemed to sum up how we felt - and it was also a little bit of hope! Oh - and this means a lot considering my dh hates country music!! He can tolerate Shania! ha!HA! (i on the other hand like country music and love their lyrics!)

"Up!"

It's 'bout as bad as it could be
Seems everybody's buggin' me
Like nothing wants to go my way--
yeah, it just ain't been my day
Nothin's comin' easily

Even my skin is acting weird
I wish that I could grow a beard
Then I could cover up my spots
not play connect the dots
I just wanna disappear

[Chorus:]
Up--up--up--
Can only go up from here
Up--up--up--Up
where the clouds gonna clear
Up--up--up--
There's no way but up from here

Even something as simple as
Forgettin' to fill up on gas
There ain't no explanation why--
things like that can make you cry
Just gotta learn to have a laugh

[Repeat Chorus]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah...

When everything is goin' wrong
Don't worry, it won't last for long
Yeah, it's all gonna come around
Don't go let it get you down
You gotta keep on holding on

It's 'bout as bad as it could be
Seems everybody's buggin' me
Like nothing want to go my way--
yeah, it just ain't been my day
Nothin's comin' easily

[Repeat Chorus]

Oh-- I'm going up [4x]
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah...

This is a new song that EVERYTIME i hear it I tear up and think "that's such a going through IF song!!" Of course it has NOTHING to do with IF... but it seems like a message that might help... well, not really - NOTHING helps - but it seems to represent what some of us live... I just had to share!

IF YOU’RE GOIN’ THROUGH HELL

Written by Dave Berg, Annie Tate and Sam Tate

WELL YOU KNOW THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE
THERE’S A SIGN THERE ON YOUR BACK
THAT SAYS I DON’T MIND IF YOU KICK ME, SEEMS LIKE EVERYBODY HAS
THINGS GO FROM BAD TO WORSE
YOU THINK IT CAN’T GET WORSE THAN THAT
AND THEN THEY DO

YOU STEP OFF THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW
AND YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE
USED THE NEEDLE OF YOUR COMPASS, TO SEW UP YOUR BROKEN HEART
ASK DIRECTIONS FROM A GENIE IN A BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM
AND SHE LIES TO YOU
THAT’S WHEN YOU LEARN THE TRUTH

CHORUS

IF YOU’RE GOIN’ THROUGH HELL KEEP ON GOING
DON’T SLOW DOWN IF YOU’RE SCARED DON’T SHOW IT
YOU MIGHT GET OUT BEFORE THE DEVIL EVEN KNOWS YOU’RE THERE

I’VE BEEN DEEP DOWN IN THAT DARKNESS
I’VE BEEN DOWN TO MY LAST MATCH
FELT A HUNDRED DIFFERENT DEAMONS BREATHIN’ FIRE DOWN MY BACK
AND I KNEW THAT IF I STUMBLED I’D FALL RIGHT INTO THE TRAP
THAT THEY WERE LAYIN’

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS THERE’S ANGELS EVERYWHERE OUT ON THE STREET
HOLDIN’ OUT A HAND TO PULL YOU BACK UP ON YOUR FEET
THE ONE’S THAT YOU’VE BEEN DRAGGIN’ FOR SO LONG
YOU’RE ON YOUR KNEES MIGHT AS WELL BE PRAYIN’
GUESS WHAT I’M SAYIN’

CHORUS

IF YOU’RE GOIN’ THROUGH HELL KEEP ON GOING
DON’T SLOW DOWN IF YOU’RE SCARED DON’T SHOW IT
YOU MIGHT GET OUT BEFORE THE DEVIL EVEN KNOWS YOU’RE THERE
WHEN YOU’RE GOIN’ THROUGH HELL KEEP ON MOVIN’
FACE THAT FIRE WALK RIGHT THROUGH IT
YOU MIGHT GET OUT BEFORE THE DEVIL EVEN KNOWS YOU’RE THERE

IF YOU’RE GOIN’ THROUGH HELL KEEP ON GOING
DON’T SLOW DOWN IF YOU’RE SCARED DON’T SHOW IT
YOU MIGHT GET OUT BEFORE THE DEVIL EVEN KNOWS YOU’RE THERE
WHEN YOU’RE GOIN’ THROUGH HELL KEEP ON MOVIN’
FACE THAT FIRE WALK RIGHT THROUGH IT
YOU MIGHT GET OUT BEFORE THE DEVIL EVEN KNOWS YOU’RE THERE
YOU MIGHT GET OUT BEFORE THE DEVIL EVEN KNOWS YOU’RE THERE

The song is by Rodney Atkins and you can hear it on his website, there's a link the to music video... which in my opinion could have been a whole lot more powerful... doesn't seem like my idea of HELL - but either way - the lyrics do speak to me.
RodneyAtkins.com

If you're still going through HELL at the moment... I'm sending happy thoughts your way... I have hope that we can all get out before the devil even knows we were there!

hugs!

31 weeks.

2006-09-12T11:58:00.000-04:00

Already? I know - i seem to say that every week - but really? i'm OVER 30 weeks?

Symptoms wise - i could be doing better -- but at the same time I could be doing a whole lot worse... I'm not complaining... the biggest physical symptom is really bad carpal tunnel... i wear a sexy brace to bed at night... my left hand is numb - and the tip of my fingers have lost all feeling... and my right hand is following... talk about an ODD sensation...

I've had fetal movement stress these last few days... The movement i feel is so weak that i keep wondering if i feel it at all :( I go hours without feeling anything... but then I realized yesterday with my hand on my belly that i felt movement in my hand, but it didn't even register before i felt it in my hand - which frankly is weird? I finally had a meltdown yesterday... My dh is INCREDIBLY suportive... BUT about this movement thing he keeps saying "yeah but the odds of something being wrong are so slim... i'm sure it's all fine" Yesterday when he came home from work i was napping -- and when i got up I lost it... "I'm stressing about the movement AND about you always telling me it's FINE... we don't know that it's fine..." I KNOW he thinks i'm reading more into this because of a girl i know who lost her baby at 39 weeks -- but it's NOT related to that - i'm HONESTLY nervous...

I finally just said "i'm SO stressed" and immediately I got through to him... He said "do you want to go to triage now, or wait till after diner?" So we ate - thinking it would increase movement - as it always does... i lied down for over an hour after diner and counted a total of 5 weak movements :( I had been drinking cold water too - cause that is supposed to help... anyways - i finally called the hospital -- she said "drink a cold drink, sugar or not, and count for the next hr and call back..." and sure enough baby A woke up! I counted 25+ movements in that next hr... I mean i WAITED over an hour to call - i didn't think that would do it - but it did?! Baby B i only felt like 6 in that hour (maybe 10 in the 2hr) and she said she was happy with that -- that unhealthy babies wouldn't give me this much movement...

Bottom line: the call itself let me finally RELAX!! I'm still not sure why i'm feeling so much less - but at least i'm feeling "enough"... and tomorrow I go for an u/s to check up on them :)

Last week at my apt I was measuring 38 weeks. I was actually 30 weeks. NO WONDER i feel like i feel... I'm officially in waddle mode :( but i'll get over it!

It's starting to freak me out to think that the babies COULD be here in like 4 weeks. OMG. Not super likely - but the average is 35/36 weeks at the hospital we're at... so it COULD happen!

We've met with a few doulas and we've nearly booked one :) and she's a photographer as well - so i'm completely excited!! She said something that was like music to my ears when we met... "I don't believe in fake encouragement so I wont be yelling "you can do it! you can do it!" while you're in labour..." the minute she left i turned to my dh and said "I was sold when she said that!!" and he knew it!! When we did our prenatal courses a few weeks ago - they showed a video with a doula that was really "encouraging" that way - and when the video was done I said "goodness, that would drive me up the wall!!" ha!HA! so it was funny that she actually said that! :) i am happy!

Fall has been cool so far - and i'm beyond happy! It's been soooooo nice!! my dh is almost ready to turn on the heat (or close some of the windows i wont allow to be closed) and i'm BOILING. Goodness how times have changed... last fall I had to BEG to turn on the heat eventually... he's very energy ($) conscious -- it's really funny/odd to have the roles reversed this year (although mine has NOTHING to do with $ - just comfort!!)

We've started doing some of the baby laundry - cause we got SO much stuff at our shower... now it very much smells like baby in the nursery!! :) I bought a jug of Ivory Snow, just for the smell really... I think we will just use Tide Free for the rest of the stuff - so we're not spending a mini fortune on detergent!! Although I might have to buy another jug first... i really like the smell :)

Ok - enough babbling...

31 weeks pregnant and starting to realize that we might actually be taking 2 babies home this fall??!?!

30 weeks.

2006-09-05T08:55:00.000-04:00

OMG. 30 weeks. 70 days until 40 weeks... and the odds of me making it all the way to 40 weeks are SLIM. OMG. It's starting to sink in, i think.

I had my shower on the week-end... well, one of my showers... the big one. It was nice... I thought i'd be a basket case - but i survived... I think i realize WHY i wasn't such a basket case... because MY family "grounds" me in a wonderful way... and unfortunately - i live over an hour away from them... and only 5 minutes away from my dh's parents... so GUESS who we see more often? And i've decided that my MIL is driving me nuts... and i can only share that here apparently - because everybody else just answers "yeah, but she's just excited..." FINE - i get that - but these are still OUR babies and you'll be the GRANDMOTHER - they're not "yours" as you keep referring to them as.

The shower started quite late - although it was fine since we were all just chatting... but it was because my mom didn't want to start without my dh's family there (mom, sister, aunt, friend of the family x2) they all came together... they were over an hour late. When they finally got there they said "sorry, we didn't realize how far it was..." arh. FINE, you're late for whatever reason - but the NIGHT before i was telling her EXACTLY how long it would take her... so don't say you didn't expect it to take that long?

Also, last night they came over for diner... which was nice... and we went through all the shower gifts... when i mentioned that i was going to wash the clothes soon before the babies are here she looked at me like i had 2 heads :( What? you're going to WASH all these NOW? it was like i would RUIN them even before the babies got to wear them... Um... EVERYBODY washes their baby clothes before they arrive?? or at least before the babies wear them? She kept saying "don't bother..." um... they're GETTING WASHED!!! Even my dh said "what? who knows how much dust and stuff can be in those and how many hands have handled them at the stores and such??" Oh - and i think what got to me the most yesterday was how she was talking to my dh... "oh poor you, you look soooooooo tired..." i swear sometimes i'm sure she says things like that cause my dh is taking such GOOD care of me... he does almost everything here - but he's not complaining... but then on the flip side, last week when he mentioned me backing into the tree and FREAKING out that dh would be upset (which was crazy - i know - he never gets mad at me...) anyways - she couldn't stop saying "what? if she reacts like that it's probably cause you act like that... you need to offer SUPPORT... not make her feel bad and get mad at her..." and he kept saying "NO, those were her hormones - of COURSE i wasn't going to get mad at her..." (again, he really never does!!) i'm starting to think she's got to be just as hormonal as me - because her behavior is all over the map!!

I know i'm sounding like a baby - i get that. I know I just need to let go - i know. I'm pregnant - and my hormones are beyond logic.

Sunday was my dh's birthday... we spent the night at my sister's (where the shower was) on Sat. so Sunday morning we had a birthday breakfast before heading home... the Sunday before had been my mom's birthday - but she was out west for a wedding so we didn't get to celebrate - so we did breakfast for both mom and my dh... and had left over baby shower cake for birthday cake :) ANYWAYS - i've been made to feel quite guilty about it :( My SIL couldn't be at diner on Sunday... so she "missed" my dh's birthday... and APPARENTLY that wouldn't have happened IF we would have COME HOME from the shower on SATURDAY and have been able to do breakfast on SUNDAY morning with his family. I guess MY family doesn't matter. I guess the fact that I REALLY didn't want to have my shower and "rush back" home, leaving people still there (the last guest left at 9pm - typical with my family...!! and i KNEW that would happen!!) and I guess fact that I REALLY didn't want to celebrate my mom's birthday like a month late means nothing. it's unbelievable how often i heard "oh poor SIL had to miss A.'s birthday....... " like that's MY fault? Yeah - i know she had to work (in town) - FINE - but A talked to her just before 8 and she had to go cause she was on her way out to a movie to relax (she's overworked these days!) anyways.... instead 30 minutes later she could have been with us, to wish her brother a happy birthday - if in fact it was such a big deal.

What i feel worse about -- I haven't gotten my dh anything yet for his birthday :( I haven't been doing too well - and i've been home most of the time - so i have yet to get him something. NEED to get that done!

Tomorrow is our 3yr anniversary... we got married at an outdoor location and we're planning a picnic there (with takeout from one of our favorite restaurants) tomorrow night :) we also get to see the babies again! :) Lets hope they're still vertex!!

30 weeks pregnant, still thinking this is a dream most of the time... I keep thinking if i actually come home with 2 perfect babies it'll be a MIRACLE...!! and...... my heartburn is SO MUCH WORSE!! but it's ALL WORTH IT! :)

29 weeks.

2006-08-30T06:46:00.000-04:00

and hysterical.

(ok, 29 weeks was yesterday)

I went to visit a friend yesterday... took our new (to us) mini van. 04 Sienna.

BACKED INTO A TREE. I caused quite a bit of damage - but that's not the biggest deal - my reaction to it all was. I was hysterical. I CANNOT handle these pregnancy hormones anymore... I had to go from my friends to pick up my dh at work - that's about 45 minutes drive - i cried the whole way... causing some contractions as well :(

I get to my dh's work.... I LOSE IT. I became hysterical - couldn't stop crying - could hardly breathe... all i could say was GET IN AND DRIVE because i didn't want to see anybody I know (we worked together) anyways - i couldn't calm down - i think i really freaked him out... and then... i had contractions that were painful and i couldn't stop :( it took about an hour after we got home for them to relax...

SELF INFLICTED CONTRACTIONS because my hormones sent me over the edge... Moral of the story..... RELAX when something "bad" happens... for the last few weeks my hormones have been SO out of wack - i can't stop crying ALL THE TIME... but i should have been able to control this - at least the major breakdown i had :(

My shower is on saturday - and a) i'm going to be a basket case for sure - i'll most likely cry most of the day... b) we have to take our GOLF vs our mini van... Nobody's seen the van yet - so it would be LOGICAL for us to bring it to show it off?? and....... why would we take our golf that we KNOW wont fit all the gifts when we now have a MINI VAN?? You better believe i'm not sharing this story with everybody - because it's FAR FAR FAR from being funny (i cried from 4pm to about 10pm last night and woke up a few times in the night nearly in tears as well...) if i can EVER laugh about this - it'll be years!!

arh.

29 weeks pregnant - way too hormonal for my own good - and very nauseous...

28 weeks.

2006-08-22T09:22:00.000-04:00

OMG - the third trimester is officially here. I'm in my LAST trimester, the home stretch. OMG.

the nausea IS back... but not nearly as bad as the first trimester... i just put a load of laundry in the washing machine awhile ago and almost puked in it :( sitting - i'm doing better...

other than that - things are good. I still have some contractions - but not too bad.

We started our prenatal classes this past sunday - it was great... the best part is that my dh is starting to feel MUCH more confident about the whole thing... he's even more confident about cloth diapers because the instructor cloth diapered her twins and a few couples (expecting one baby!) are also planning on cloth diapering... i guess it made it seem more normal to him instead of just "my craziness" :)

Me on the other hand: still terrified of giving birth. I wish i could skip that part all together!!

On the project front, i'm still only half done my diaper bag - i tried yesterday to finish it and before i even started I felt too nauseous and had to stop :( On the baby blanket front though - i'm almost done - should be done the second one by the end of the week!! unfortunately i MUCH prefer the second blanket... but i'll get over it - the first one is also VERY nice!!

My dh is putting in an offer on a mini-van today... i haven't even seen it!! (and that's ok!) He's also most likely going to close on the jetta we're selling today or maybe tomorrow... :)

My "big" shower is less than 2 weeks away... I have a dilemna because dh's aunt is hosting a small one 2 weeks after that - and she now wants to invite my friends... my sister invited my friends as well - and that's "the" shower... she's putting lots of time and effort into it... but the downside is that it's in my home town - so it's far... (an hour for me - an hour and a half for most of my friends) ANYWAYS - I think it's kind of rude to invite these people to TWO showers - cause obviously they'll skip my sister's shower... although i don't even expect them to come regardless. OH THERE'S JUST NO WINNING...

Yesterday - I swear i was bit by the bitch bug... I was doing ok... took a nap from 1-3 in the afternoon and woke up I was SO mad at nothing and everything... and COULDN'T stop crying for no reason... it was like i had the WORSE hormone surge of my life in that short span of time... I got better once my dh got home, thankfully... AND he made us a campfire in the evening... we sat under the stars with the fire and a few citronella candles for 2+ hrs - it was nice :)

28 weeks pregnant... nauseated and i have strong heartburn... and it's ALL WORTH IT :) :) :)

3rd Trimester Nausea...

2006-08-16T10:02:00.000-04:00

I think it's here. A week early. Today is day 4 in a row that i'm nauseous. Although the last 3 days it was only in the afternoon/evening. Today - it's MORNING.

I took a self portrait this morning - and probably moved too much or something... I feel aweful.

AND most of them are out of focus...!!

Just thought i'd share...

27 weeks.

2006-08-15T13:49:00.000-04:00

today's been weird. well, maybe just hormonal. We're having friends over for diner - for the last time before the babies come - since they'll be gone to europe for the next 7 weeks... and i haven't managed to do much :( I did cook the potatoes fro the salad - which i think started my mood... the bag of potatoes SUCKED... (they were mostly rotten but looked good from the outside) other than that i was supposed to head out to get some burgers and stuff for diner (which is weird by itself - we haven't entertained much since IF - but i used to be about sit down home made meals... tonight: burgers and salads... which is FINE - but not very "me") anyways - i didn't want to go out... i FINALLY got dressed (well, i was dressed - but not decent enough to head out) and it started raining (alot!) I've also been dying to nap - i'm totally exhausted... anyways - i just talked to my dh... he said "i'll pick stuff up on the way home..." MUSIC TO MY EARS today! Now i can nap!

other than that i have this horrible pain - almost like chest pain - but i'm not sure if what's causing it - i think it's muscle. it hurts to move much and especially to pick up ANYTHING - but thankfully it doesn't hurt when i breath (when i have pain there it normally hurts to breath) hopefully it'll pass otherwise - i might be having a trip to the er...! great!

i'm one week away from my third trimester. OMG.

Last night I had a dream that our twins were two yrs old... and they were girls. First baby dream I have at all since the day before my very first u/s at 6w2d. that day i had a dream it was twins.

I got an invite to my mini baby shower (family on my dh's side which is tiny!) this morning... i got an invitation because my dh told them that a surprise was NOT an option... mostly because he knew i had to be mentally ready... My "big" shower is in about 3 weeks (long week-end) and that one is fine - it'll all be my family and some of his - but other showers will have people I hardly know... He knows i will feel uncomfortable - so he wanted me to be prepared... does he EVER know me!!

The part about that shower that stresses me the most out at this point is getting a ride with his mom to the shower (which is about an hour away) I've noticed that since i'm pregnant I feel quite uncomfortable with ANYBODY else driving me around other than my dh or myself. It's weird really - maybe it's just my hormones deciding to resurface about my car fears... (too many bad car accidents in my family to feel 100% comfortable in a car)

Oh - and thanks for the comments on the fabrics :) and no, i will not be selling slings... I have a business and I am one of those who typically takes on more than one can handle - and I KNOW I could get carried away with sewing projects - so i SWEAR never to sell any! ha!HA! I do however recommend baby wearing... slings of all price levels are available all over the web :)

27 weeks pregnant, and thinking it might be girls!

happy...

2006-08-10T10:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had an OB appointment - everything went well :) In 2 weeks I have an u/s, an OB apt, my 1hr Glucose test (that i'm nearly convinced i'll fail) and also I will probably get the RhoGAM shot... goodness!

and i'm HAPPY - because Jenny finally got her POSITIVE! YAHOO!!! I smiled all night because of it!

And i'm happy because yesterday after my OB appointment I went to a fantastic fabric store... I was in heaven! I bought some fabrics for some of my projects - just wanted to share - because I'm in love with them! (ok, strong word - but SO happy to have found them!!) I just wish the fabric store was closer to my home - then again - probably not since i kind of have to stop spending money! ALTHOUGH - these helped me SAVE money - so i'm happy...

First, I'm making 2 ring slings (if you're not sure what a ring sling is - check these incredibly beautiful/expensive ones www.oopababy.com)

Close up of the beautiful paisley - it's an accent on the sling...

And... these are for my diaper bag!!

close up of outside material...

On top of it I got good deals that i wasn't expecting - so that's always a bonus! The green material (which is a little brighter in real life!) was 2$/m :) and the brown material for my sling was 12.99 for THREE meters (buy one get 2 free!) YAHOO! My slings are costing me about 12$ each - when beautiful ones easily cost 80$CDN EACH!

My diaper bag is also cheaper than most diaper bags - but more importantly - i have issues with 99% of the diaper bags out there for some reason?! So - price wise it doesn't really compare - cause any other bag would have annoyed me i think! (ok - annoyed is a strong word!!)

Now... I should get to cutting my fabric! YAHOO!!

26 weeks.

2006-08-08T14:49:00.000-04:00

and FINALLY the heat has broken. It's calling for NICE summer weather all week now instead of torture weather. I think perhaps i was wrong: maybe mother nature wasn't trying to kill me after well.

About my last post and my SIL - I should add that I REALLY don't care if she's there either way - the issue i have is her attitude that OF COURSE she'll be there. If in fact it means so much to her - then she should stay - that's the weird part. but enough about that.

I've been logging all my contractions/cramps - and i'm happy to say that i've had fewer since my dr. took me out of work than i had before that - so that's good. That means i'm doing someting right. Everytime i do a little more, my body tells me to slow down.

I found out on the week-end that one of my cousins is pregnant. My HONEST reaction was HAPPY. I was SO happy to hear... her and her dh will make wonderful parents. She's a year younger than I am and for a few months now had been "letting whatever happens happen"... AND THEN i thought "lucky bastards". but that was short lived - I am truly happy for them. For the FIRST TIME in THREE years I felt HAPPY that somebody in my circle was pregnant. As much as the IF pain is still SOOOOOOOOOO fresh and so very real - I realized that at least I had managed to seperate it from my every single thought. I can now have IF-free moments - and it SERIOUSLY surprised me. BUT - they're just moments still - i'm far far far from being free.

On the subject of IF... I read a reply to somebody's post that said that somebody she knows was telling people she got pregnant naturally even though she needed the help of Clomid. I've only been asked once if our twins were natural conception or not - and since it was via email i just never replied. BUT if somebody asks me straight out - I would say natural i think. NOT because I need to hide the fact that we did IVF - but frankly because it's NOBODY's business. I often wonder about how i'd answer if it came up. I'd personally want to YELL and SCREAM and run away. 99% of the time I get asked if twins run on my side or his side. I typically try to educate people and say "i have id twins on my side, but those don't count - since those happen to be an amazing fluke of nature. besides, if there were 10 sets of twins on my dh's side it wouldn't matter either because it has to be on MY side... and way more often than not it's completely not linked to genetics." Well - depends on how much i care about the person - cause i might just say "neither" to leave the conversation !! My dh said he's asked ALL the time too so he just says "her side" cause i do have twins on my side! ha!HA! Anyways - answering "doesn't matter - these are due to IVF" just doesn't seem right... then again - my blurb about twins makes me feel like i'm lying anyways - cause it wasn't natural. I swear - being asked which is basically ALL THE TIME - brings up the IF scar every single time.

On a more positive note - i'm 4/7th of the way done my baby blanket #1 - it looks great!!! can't wait to wrap a baby in it!! Although I have to say up until last night I thought I was done at 5 rows of square which would mean it's soon over - and then i realized it calls for SEVEN rows of squares... I could stop at 5 - but it would be square?! I'll keep knitting!!

26 weeks pregnant - and today the babies are kicking a little more - thank goodness!

37w2d?

2006-08-04T08:27:00.000-04:00

Do you think i'll have my babies before then?

My gut feeling says "YES! who do you think you are thinking YOU'LL go further??" and part of me thinks "I SURE HOPE NOT!! I don't want to have these babies until 40 weeks - but i'm good with 38+"

Well... My SIL is going on a trip for most of October. She gets home when i'll be 37w2d. My dh is actually hurt... since he can't understand WHY she has to go THEN. (there's NO reason!) She keeps saying that she'll be home for sure and wont miss the birth... So maybe she knows something I don't? It's one of these "convincing herself of..." kind of thing - because i can't comprehend her confidence in this. I personally don't care if she's here either way - cause I seriously can't even think about it (i've got other stuff on my mind!)

The part I don't understand at all - is that her close friend delivered in June at 33w5d. Perfectly HEALTHY pregnancy - all of a sudden develops signs of pre-e and bang - steroid shots and emergency c-section. Those are things that are MORE common with twins - but she's 100% sure that's not happening to me. Good for you for being so confident - but um... i'm not THAT confident?

I was "sent home" from work at 24 weeks mostly because I'm showing signs that are a little more advanced than I should at this point... she knows this. She just booked her trip in the last few days - so she knew prior to actually booking. BUT i wont have my babies until 37w3d? (cause the day she gets back would still mean she misses it)

None of it actually matters - my sister wont be around when the babies come because she'll be on a 9 month contract out of province (she'll hopefully be able to come home a few times within the year to visit though!) but either way - she wont be here. She wishes she would be here - but she knew when she took the contract that she wouldn't be here for the birth and it's obviously FINE. My SIL can't shut up about the fact that SHE WILL BE HERE AT THE BIRTH. that's the part that makes this frustrating - cause SHE COULD HAVE STAYED HOME or gone on her trip earlier or later... again - it doesn't matter - BUT stop "convincing yourself" of lies, you know? (i know quite a few people who tend to live their lives that way - and i happen to be way more of a "matter of fact" kind of girl!!)

Weirdest part -- we were at my inlaws yesterday and my SIL had mentioned her trip and then had to leave... and I said "oct 26th means she'll most likely miss the birth" my MIL's reaction? "NO - she wont miss it - why would you say that?" WHAT? it was like I was lying or something... Everytime I say i'm due mid-november everybody tends to answer "yeah - but they'll come in October..." but APPARENTLY only after Oct. 27th. Sure.

Again - I HOPE she doesnt' miss it - because I want to make it to 38+ weeks.

Sorry for the vent - it bugs me mostly i think because it's bugging my dh so much :(

Other than that - thanks for the replies to my posts... yesterday I felt a HUGE amount of movement - which was quite reassuring!!!

** Oh, and by "being at the birth" I mean meeting the babies in their first hours of life - NOBODY but me, dh, our doula and the medical team will be AT the birth ;)

25 weeks.

2006-08-02T10:26:00.000-04:00

Well, technically 25w1d, i didn't get around to posting yesterday.

Yesterday my husband and I met with HR at work... found out everything I needed to know... got forms... everything... it's so real. Then I actually went to work for a little bit to wrap things up and to finish cleaning/clearing my office. it's completely empty now!! Taking my photographs down made it so real... so final.

I also found out that my projects who were supposed to be handed over to a great analyst were handed over to somebody who can't do the job. I was terribly insulted... I know it doesn't matter: i'm GONE. BUT not only did they insult ME in this process by quite obviously implying that my work wasn't "that" important and can be done by THIS woman (which it CANNOT) but they seriously offended the girl who WAS supposed to take over my projects... because she KNOWS she'll have to be picking up the pieces ALL THE TIME - but for this other girls projects. It's SO insulting. I know my words probably don't make much sense here - I think it's a "you have to be here to know" kind of thing... anyways - again... it doesn't super mater to ME - i'm done. But that other girl is my friend, so it really really sucks.

It's weird to have a period of EIGHT years of your life closed.

Other than that - yesterday was a busy day and hot - and i hardly felt the babies move. I FINALLY felt them around 5 pm after drinking lots of orange juice and lying on my left side. I'm stressed out - cause it's now 10:30 and i've hardly felt them again... I might have to make a trip to the hospital :( Yesterday I was all over the map emotion wise - I couldn't stop crying over nothing and everything... I ran errands in the afternoon... for the LAST time alone. I've realized how having my dh with me helps A LOT... like not having to stand in line at cash registers for example - he'll deal with it while i find a bench or go to the car - seems rediculous and lazy - but i have a hard time standing still...

Heat wise - i'm dying. I'm BOYOND annoyed with mother nature. GOODNESS. It's so horrible... i can't wait for it to break. Yesterday it went up to 48oC with humidity. That's CRAZY discusting :( I've read that that could possibly be contributing to the sluggist babies - but STILL i'm stressed.

I have projects to do... things to accomplish... and really - right now - all i can do is pray i don't faint from the heat. My dh has a hockey game after work at 6:30 - so he wont be home until at least 8:30... so that's like 13 hours alone for me today... I made him take my car today too - cause it's got AC - so i'm stuck at home - but frankly there's no where i'd go. IF i feel like it i might call my MIL to see if she'd like to go to the beach later... we'll see.

I pitty people who took their holidays this week... I'd rather have taken them in the fall and been snowed in - that's how crappy this humity/heat is.

25 weeks pregnant and still praying for snow daily...

LAST DAY at work.

2006-07-26T13:57:00.000-04:00

Today is my LAST day at work. THE LAST ONE EVER. I've worked so hard for this - and for so long that it had started to feel like it would never happen.

My dr. said I was showing a few signs that typically show up a little later in pregnancy and that we better be safe than sorry! Her exact words were "you've worked way way too hard for this and I don't want to watch it go up in smokes!" ah!HA! :) she was funny!

The babies are doing great... measuring right where they should... :)

And... here's my HUGE belly I mentioned in yesterday's post!

24 weeks.

2006-07-25T15:25:00.000-04:00

Today is 24 weeks...

Thanks to those who replied - things DID get better!! I took friday off - i needed to take time to get back to earth and it helped alot!

I have an u/s tomorrow and a dr. appointment too. I have things to "bring up" basically for the first time. Well, not true - obviously i brought up that whole blood episode that lasted for weeks (between 11w and 15w) but other than that - things have been going pretty well...

This time though - i have to bring up that i have a swollen hand... it doesn't look much different than my right hand - but it feels a whole lot different... I've read it can be a sign of carpal tunnel syndrom - we'll see. lets hope not... then again, seems so minor!!

The biggest thing is that I've officially surpassed the pain tolerance for sitting. Well, I can tolerate it just fine - but after a while I can hardly get up. Yesterday I had friends over and I did a quick photo session and i made lunch... seriously - i was moving at a turtle pace - NO way was I "overdoing" ANYTHING... They were over for about 4 hours by the time they left I could hardly stand/sit... after they left I finally got to lie down... my dh came home from work and I tried to get up and screemed so loud... I couldn't do it. He looked at me and said "i think you need to be off work SOON!" considering that pain was from doing next to nothing as it was... anyways - sure enough - today is horribly painful at work... I have a HARD time getting from my desk to the washroom - which frankly isn't far. I seriously feel like i need support... I keep leaning on cabinets or walls...

ALL OF THAT and I have this nagging feeling the dr. will reply "well, yeah - you're pregnant!" and it's surpassed being "normal pregnancy symptoms"... I'm almost convinced it must have something to do with lingering scar tissue from an accident yrs ago - but nobody can actually confirm that.

Weirdest thing - as much as i'm DYING to never have to come back to work - i might go stir crazy at home :( Then again - i have doubts the drs will take me off work for THIS - but then again, i'm not sure how i'll manage to go on...

I'm re-reading this and I sound whinny and like I just need to SUCK IT UP... and both are probably true... but it's been 3 weeks now that I almost cry everytime I have to get up from my desk... I don't think it's normal.

Other than that stuff - I finally got my patterns in the mail yesterday!!
Check these out!! I got the Nappy pattern & the Café Apron... the apron is for christmas gifts - I'm planning on making at least 4 - so i better get to it!!

I also got 4 sets of rings i purchased to make ring slings...

Now i have to go fabric shopping!

I also have a new self-portrait - but I can't seem to upload images at the moment... I'll come back and add it later!

Crazy realization... It's 5 months until christmas TODAY. That means that in FIVE months we will have babies that are a minimum of FIVE weeks old. That means delivery will be OVER (i'm terrified of giving birth!!) that means that we will probably have somewhat of a routine (that the babies may or may not care about ;) ) IN FIVE MONTHS ONLY. Imagine?

24 weeks, stuffed up and very greatful that the heat wave broke for the week-end... although it's back for this week :(

Freak Religion?

2006-07-20T11:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday a coworker was joking with my dh and I that we're "in it" for the next 20 yrs... and I said "well, it'll be longer than that since we're having more kids..."

"MORE than twins???"
"yes"
"what are you? part of some freak religion or something?"

AAAAAAARRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Nothing like trying to piss off a hormonal pregnant woman. Nice.

Other than that - today i'm having a horrible day. I've tried a bunch of chairs at work and nothing works - my butt/left leg hurts SO bad when i get up - i feel like i'm going to crumble when I walk (i actually physically came close a few minutes ago). I have to pee for the 4th time since 9h30 this morning (that's 2 hours! FUN!) and the bathroom at work is now being cleaned - the only bathroom we can use. We have a shower room too - but for some reason they omitted toilets when they built them (wtf?) so we have ONE women's bathroom... that is cleaned by a man therefore closed while he cleans. Min. amount of time: 30 minutes. I gave it an extra 5 (well, almost 10 by the time i actually made it there) and it was STILL CLOSED. TOO LONG for anybody - let alone a pregnant woman. So i'm back at my desk wondering when I should dare make the treck - again - cause i can hardly walk.

I'm asked "how are you doing?" with pitty as always - but it's getting harder to say fine when they can CLEARLY see that i am seriously limping. ARH.

Other than that - i hardly slept last night and I'm feeling really sick today. AND... i'm stressed beyond words... I can't stop thinking something bad will happen... I was doing so much better and then my friend lost her full term baby and now i'm back at square one, stressing.

I know i shouldn't complain: I'M PREGNANT. I get that. I'm sorry if this bugs some of you - if anybody is still reading.

Tomorrow will be better, right?

It finally came!

2006-07-19T09:11:00.000-04:00

My 10 yr high school reunion invitation!!! The one I was hoping would come so I could send it back and say "thanks, but i'm not coming" I worked SOOOOO hard on my self-esteem since high school... I dare say that I'm HAPPY with who I am now (minus the infertility - that's taken it's toll - i'm back to some old ways where I think i'm less worthy at times which frankly is rediculous to think of my esteem linked to IF - but everything else in my life seems to be linked to it - so maybe it's not so far fetched!)

A few years ago I had a aha! moment... one that made me realize that I had what I wanted in life... I didn't need to share that with ANYBODY. My life was exactly what I wanted. Ok, sure, there's still things i "want" but I realized that that was always going to be the case. If i accomplished everything i wanted from the get go - what would be the point of going on? I didn't need to prove anything. I realized then that when my 10 yr high school reunion came around I would be HAPPY not to go.

High school was ok for me... It wasn't horrible or anything... but i was the girl that was "everybody's friend"... You know the one? Takes no sides... can't stand confrontation... and people did like me, as a friend... which can hurt a little when you're a teenage girl... you want at least SOME poeple (aka the guy you have a major crush on!) to take you a little more seriously... and THEN in that same aha moment you realize that that guy hasn't changed since high school... and you have. What a sweet moment!

Some of those people I wouldn't mind seeing... I haven't talked to ANYBODY from high school in about 4 or 5 years... and before that it was very few in between. I went off to english school after HS and 98% either went to french school (since it was a french HS!) or didn't go on at all... so we lost touch... and i'm HAPPY about that. I now have friends that would walk to the end of the earth and back for me - real friends you DREAM about growing up... I FOUND THEM. I never would have had I remained friends with those i went to HS with. I probably would still have esteem issues - because i would never have gotten a clean slate.

I'll never know. Life, 10 yrs after graduating from HS is finally sweet. My 3 yr wedding anniversary is coming up in September and I honestly married the best guy out there for me! I'm expecting twins this fall... we have the house in the country we've always wanted... i'm going to be a stay at home mom/work from home mom and my business/art is where I want it to be at the moment. I would say I'm lucky - but it wasn't really luck... it was hard work (especially the pregnancy part!) and it paid off. If I attended the reunion I would most likely end up feeling little at some point in time... and that's just wrong.

:)

On a seperate note - this thing super ticked me off this morning... My dh got an email from the admin at work (we work together) saying he had a milk container in the fridge "that no longer looked like milk and could he deal with it before it exploded" He has a blackberry - so we got the email before we came in this morning (in the elevator actually!) and I was SOOOOOOO embarassed. I completely forgot that I had a container of milk at work in the fridge... I forget EVERYTHING since i'm pregnant i swear... it's just a little juice jug thing that has maybe a cup and a half of milk in it. We get to work and the "kitchen" is right by the entrance... and we go in - although i wasn't going to deal with it since i can't handle horrible smells since I'm pregnant... ANYWAYS - the container had a tiny bit of dry milk at the top which would indicate it was no longer good - but other than that? IT LOOKED LIKE WHITE MILK. I was expecting a disaster. The container had warped a tiny bit - but who's to say our container isn't warped?!?!?! The smell: NONE. It didn't even smell bad.

Just like that i went from being embarrased to being offended/insulted. WTF? I know I know - it's my hormones making me so ticked off - but give me a break. "no longer looks like milk" "before it explodes" when neither were true. ARH.

23 weeks.

2006-07-18T10:19:00.000-04:00

23 weeks and terrified again.

An online friend of mine after FOUR years of secondary infertility and finally getting pregnant natrually lost her baby at 39 weeks within 8 hrs of her SCHEDULED c-section. There was a full knot in his cord. It happened friday - I found out Sunday and couldn't stop crying. A wonderful photographer friend took photographs for the family and I forced myself to watch - because she's a friend... and I cried so much more... My dh tried as best he could to console me... but he too was very confused.

how does that happen? HOW CAN LIFE BE SO CRUEL?

Since then I've been terrified. I can't stop praying that my babies will make it here HEALTHY :) I know what happened to them doesn't happen often... but it's still scary.

Other than that - I felt a kick with my hand for the first time this week-end... I think it was baby B kicking hard - but it could have been A - i can't REALLY tell! My dh "kind of" felt it - i felt about 3 strong kicks but only the first was REALLY really strong. it was a really cool feeling. Hopefully A. gets to feel it soon!

We've been to the beach 3 times in the last 4 days to cool off... it's been SO nice... it's awesome having a beach that's 15 minutes away... and we go in the evenings and it's always really quiet! it's been helping me feel better too, physically!

On the nursery front - my dh finished one of the dressers he was working on - he stripped it and repainted it - and it looks FABULOUS. The next dresser needs sanding and repainting - and should be done next week-end... I can't wait - it's coming together!

Other than that - the heat wave we're having these days has seriously taken it's toll on me. I cannot handle the heat when i'm NOT pregnant let alone when I am... This extra weight and blood isn't helping me much at all :(

I stepped on the scale this morning... +29 pounds at only 23 weeks. SHIT. BUT it'll ALL be worth it!!!

23 weeks and I can't shake how cruel life can be sometimes....

Wrap & Baby (includes photos)

2006-07-12T13:24:00.000-04:00

As mentioned in yesterday's post, here are photos of my friend, her 3 week old and the wrap I "made" them :) I just talked to her and she's been using it in the past few days ... YEAH!! :)

22 weeks.

2006-07-11T13:03:00.000-04:00

Today, i'm officially huge. I stepped on the scale... and hit the wall in front of me! ha!HA! Last time I got on (which i don't exactly remember when but it was in the last 2 weeks for sure) i don't think i was that close to the wall! ha!HA!

Yesterday I visited a friend who has a 3 week old :) and brought her a handmade wrap (kind of like the cuddly wrap at www.peapodcreations.ca) by handmade i mean i simply cut stretchy fabric I already happen to have :) It worked GREAT and she's totally in love with it :) I took photos - i'll try to share tomorrow. She can now walk around hands free and take care of her toddler :) she also said she had the most relaxed diner she's had since they came home from the hospital :) Her baby fell asleep almost instantly in it!! I'm SO happy she was happy with it :) I have one too for when the twins come - and I can make more I still have lots of fabric left over. I also ordered rings from www.slingrings.com Now I just have to buy fabric to make a few ring slings... I figure I can make them for less than 20$ including the rings - and the nice ones sell for like 80$CDN - so i'm happy :) I'm thinking of making that same friend one as well :)

On Saturday I cut fabric to make 75 wipes... that's a WHOLE lot of wipes!!! I'm done sewing 25 of them :) and by the week-end i should be all done... :) they look fantastic (for homemade, imo) - my friend wanted to buy some! :)

Last friday we had another u/s - everything still looks great. They're almost both at a pound each right now! :) Next one is in 2 weeks - and they'll start measuring the cervix at that appointment... can't say i've missed the wand, but i'll get over it!

the babies are moving more and more too - i feel them daily now - just not as much as I know i'm about to start feeling them :) It's really really really helped me relax to feel them - i kept thinking it would help me relax - but i seem to do that ALL the time "let me just get to the next stage and i'll relax" and sure enough there would always be more to stress about. At this point, I can HONESTLY say that I feel MUCH better and I feel like I'm almost normal. I *almost* feel like I fit in with the pregnant crowd these days - which is a surreal feeling. I'm guessing it wont last - but i'm going to enjoy it while it's here. or try to.

Oh - and thanks for the comments on the cloth diapers :) it's going to work out - it's our ONLY option - especially now that i've bought the diapers :) I'm NOT going back to work after the babies come - and we might save 4500$-5000$ by doing cloth diapers with twins... I'm willing to do A LOT to save that kind of $ (plus the whole env. thing - i much prefer this way...) besides - this keeps up a tradition... nobody's been diapered in disposable diapers on my side of the family (cousins yes, but I was in cloth, my mom was obviously in cloth and so on... :) )

22 weeks pregnant and having a hard time sleeping - but other than that doing GREAT. The heat & humidity has been quite bad here and i've been slacking on my water intake - so I've been swelling - not pretty. I hope i can keep my ankles for a while longer before they disappear.. :)

Oh and for a visual of where i'm from, check out Jenny's blog - she just vacationed in my province and had a blast! :)

21 weeks.

2006-07-04T14:23:00.000-04:00

we're completely over the half way mark now. wow.
This is also my 100th post!

I'm feeling more and more movement - although I went through about 48 hours where i hardly felt anything - and it was freaking me out. I don't feel alot - but i now tend to feel daily - so not feeling anything was stressful... We get to see the monkeys on Friday again... so that should reassure me!

My first order of cloth diapers came in the mail on friday! So i spent part of the week-end prepping them...

The nursery is also starting to look more and more like a nursery :)

I've also bought material to make wipes :) and to make my diaper bag... just waiting for the pattern to arrive! Oh - and i've reasearched the best slings for twins and how to make them - hoping to be able to make a few... I might end up buying 2 Mei Tai's but I will probably make my own ring slings... can't imagine paying THAT much for say 4 slings :( they're crazy expensive - but at the same time I can't imagine NOT having slings for when the babies get here!!

On the IF front - this week-end I was absolutely beside myself reading a board i used to read all the time. I was in so much pain for the women/couples on there... I was litteraly in tears wondering how come i've made it. Wasn't it just a few months ago I was asking "why me?" now i'm asking myself why me again - with a different question??? what is wrong with this picture?? I still think "WHY US?" about IF - cause we're still infertile. But at the same time, i'm so greateful that IT DID WORK for us - that i hardly want to allow myself to think "why us? why are we infertile?" thinking the gods might punish us. It's one messed up concept IF :(

I also need to start acting out about IF. I need to start putting preasures where they should be put. Not that I think my little voice alone will be heard, but anything is more than nothing. I emailed the local IAAC chapter girl about their latest newsletter saying I needed to start doing something about IF because I KNEW i couldn't go through treatement AND fight at the same time, i'm just not strong enough. She replied that it was really good that I was still willing to do something about it now... and that MANY can't fight and go through treatement at the same time... She added that most patients, once they get pregnant or have a baby, become completely silent. And I can easily see that happening for many - I can even see it happening for myself, I KNOW i tend to be lazy - even about things i REALLY care about... BUT that's motivation enough. WE NEED TO PUSH.

I'm normally the kind to sit back and keep quiet. And even my dh said "but do you really think anything we do could make a difference?" and really - i don't know the answer... BUT i keep thinking that if women hadn't put pressure years and years ago - perhaps we STILL wouldn't be voting. IMAGINE NOT BEING ABLE TO VOTE? That is inspiration enough. Why live live like a bump on a log? SPEAK UP!! :)

21 weeks pregnant and feeling like although we still have a million things to do - we're getting a little more prepared. Good thing, because *if* we end up in the "average" at our hospital for twin deliveries - in 3 1/2 months (or less) our babies could be here. GOODNESS!!!

DAY 1000.

2006-06-27T09:14:00.000-04:00

It was 1000 days ago today that we started TTC.
Last Thursday was exactly 1 year since we found out that my dh's SA was ZERO. Azoospermia.

Today, I'm 20 weeks pregnant.

We're due in Nov. and our third anniversary is in Sept. From the outside looking in, it really looks like "we've planned things perfectly..." Oh how things are NEVER what they seem....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week-end was quite productive... On Sat. my mom, dad & brother came over to install the clothes line my dh bought me for my birthday (after MUCH begging... he doesn't get how i can be so obsessed with a clothes line!!) It's FANTASTIC!! I can't wait to be able to use it (we had to wait because the poles are in concrete - so it had to set) and....... now it's calling for rain ALL WEEK!!! Oh well - soon enough - i'll get to use it :)

Sunday we got up... my dh said "want to go out to breakfast?" which is always music to my ears!! So we did that and then went to order our cribs, thinking they wouldn't be in (we knew which ones we wanted... and no joke - it's a crib sold at both walmart and sears and it's 100$ cheaper at walmart...... times that by 2, and that's a lot of money!) Anyways - another location had one in stock - we got there and they actually had lots in stock - so we got both our cribs!! A. set them both up this week-end... and we moved things around in the nursery... it's starting to really feel real! My parents also brought my dresser from when i was a kid over - we have to strip it as well as my dh's dresser as a kid - and paint them - and we'll be all set! Actually - we'll be all set after I find a rocking chair somewhere (why are they ALL gliders???)

On Friday we had our fifth u/s... the anatomy u/s where they basically measure EVERYTHING! Well - both babies were showing us their backs, so they didn't get a good look at the hearts & profile.... so we go back in 2 weeks! they both look great, measure exactly where they should (19w6d and 20w) and their heartbeats were 148/136. They both weigh approx. 12 ozs each... they've doubled in size in three weeks!! As of the next u/s - they have to start doing transvaginal u/s as well to check the cervix... oh joy! I haven't had one of those since March 23rd - and frankly I can't say i miss them!!

I have my first "regular OB" appointment tomorrow... and i have this nagging feeling i'm going to have to have a pap test done... I wonder if I can talk my way out of it? I think i've had my share of speculums for the year... maybe they'll see it my way? (doubt it :( ) I HATE THE SPECULUM can you tell? (ok, i don't know many who like it - but it's a cause of anxiety for me!!)

Thanks for the words of support in my last post - I was seriously losing it... I'm better now - MUCH better... although i've realized that I'm WAY more anxious than my normal self and I can't make decisions to save my life. I was never the most decisive person - but now I CANNOT make decision - it's really driving me crazy!!!

20 weeks pregnant and trying to accomplish things so that we're not too last minute... I STILL have nightmares that the babies come and we have nothing - even though we have 2 cribs set up inches away from our room!!

Damn hormones.

2006-06-21T10:14:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting at work - and i can't stop crying. I'm going home soon - taking the afternoon off sick cause i can't function... why you ask? NO IDEA - other than my hormones are probably completely out of whack right now?? who knows. I had a HORRIBLE evening last night... I had to drive home myself (which RARELY happens) and after a full day of sitting on my butt i can hardly drive. I was in SO SO SO much pain, i was almost in tears when I got home. My movement isn't restricted (otherwise i would obviously NOT drive) but going from gas to break is PAINFUL :( and just sitting in the car is painful. ARH.

So i got home and seemed to throw everything off. I couldn't do ANYTHING - i was just in pain and in a bad mood. I've spent months doing nothing - now i finally have energy back and STILL i could do nothing. I went to bed crying.

This morning I thought of staying home - but i was still in a weird mood and thought that as much as I didn't want to go to work, I didn't want to stay home either. Isn't that PATHETIC?? So i came to work... and now i'm going home. I think what i'd love most to do today, on the first day of summer and it's a beautiful day here would be take my dog on a long hike in the park... BUT.... of course I can hardly walk AND i can't walk my dog ANYWHERE - he pulls way too much.

So i sit here and cry. My dh came in my office awhile ago - i lost it. Finally got it back together and 2 seconds later he calls me from his office, i lose it again. I NEED to go home - before i lose it on somebody else. (by losing it i mean break down in tears)

I also spent last night FREAKING out at what the future might hold. Not the kids - but the staying at home/part time business thing. I've worked SO HARD for this... THIS is the plan. It's been the plan for YEARS now (since it took us so long to get here!) I AM TALENTED - AND I CAN DO THIS... but yet with the pregnancy hormones I doubt myself to the point of tears. I fear failure more than anything else... and i'm afraid right now that that's where i'm headed... although at the same time, i have no real reason to believe that. ARH.

I was doing so well - is it that it's getting to me that i'm TRYING to enjoy this pregnancy? Am i NOT ALLOWED TO ENJOY - even for a few days? Are the stars SO against me that they can't just "let me be"?

At this rate - i'm thinking i'll need tomorrow off as well. And then friday morning is shot because of our u/s appointment - so i'll have to tolerate friday afternoon... I think i can manage. Shitty part is that i should be keeping my sick leave for when i'll need to go OFF work completely... I want to avoid the reduced pay of disability. But since I can't function at the moment - i'm MUCH better off at home.

Here's that photo mention in yesterday's post... even that doesn't make me smile today - and I LOVE that little girl more than anything right now! The real photo does have my head in it - but i chopped it off for the blog! Anyways - I find i look MUCH more pregnant than i actually look - photos do that sometimes!

19 weeks.

2006-06-20T15:30:00.000-04:00

it's still surreal. I know - it must be getting old to hear me say that - but it's the truth.

I bought my dh 2 ottawa senators jerseys (home + away) for the babies... they're size 12 months - so i figure they might kind of fit by the playoffs next year! ha!HA! He loved them... he said "wont they look cute coming home from the hospital in those...!" Um... i think not! HA!HA! (yes, he was kidding!)

My best friend had a baby girl this week-end :) She thought she was having another boy :) (intuition - not u/s or anything!) I'm SO happy for them - labour was a breeze and the baby girl is in perfect health :) I got to see her yesterday - just over 48 hours old... I have no idea how i'll handle 2!! My friend has been having many melt downs since giving birth (she had a lot after her first as well!) and in one of them she said "how is A. going to do this with TWO?!" ah!HA! :) i'll survive...!!

I also visited another friend that has a 3+ month old (the baby that was born on the day of my BETA!) and then visited a friend that has a 9 day old baby (the 3w2d overdue baby!) and everytime i picked up any of the 3 babies I visited with yesterday I heard "and now you have 3 babies!" i thought it was funny - how it was all "just as original" ah!HA! :)

It's weird to hold a tiny baby with a big belly! i have a photo of me and my new niece (the 48hr old one) and i look SOOOOOOO pregnant - i might share a photo later...)

For a day me and 4 of my close friends were all pregnant at the same time. I saw 3 of those 4 babies yesterday!

I have to say it was nice to visit with them and feel at peace with being pregnant. I feel like the pain of infertility is further from my mind right now - not RAW like it used to be. I don't want to cry when i see a baby - i just wish my pregnancy could almost be over. I always cringe when I say that - because I don't want early babies - I just wish it was already the end of October!! I know the pain is far from being gone - i actually don't think it'll ever leave me - but worse is that I know that I will go through MANY more ups and downs before i can even try to really put it behind me (we want more kids!) I guess the best way to put it is that it's kind of dull pain at the moment - if that makes sense. Like a constant ache - but not severe pain anymore.

19w pregnant and I get to see the monkeys again on Friday! Can't wait!! My energy level is still "ok"... I'm really enjoying this burst... I'm enjoying conversing with adults and not feeling completly brain dead...

7 years ago today...

2006-06-16T11:14:00.000-04:00

my godmother died, on the side of the road in an ambulance. She was in a horrific car crash that killed the woman in her passenger seat instantly. My aunt was lying on the side of the road - literally - for 2 hrs... because of a dispatch error at 911. Ambulance finally got there... about 5 minutes into the ride she died. It's STILL surreal, and yes, it's been 7 yrs. It was a BEAUTIFUL morning, just like today.

A big transport truck didn't stop at an important stop sign. Of course, they're ALL important - but this one was stopping at a junction for a highway. a VERY important one. The driver had to have fallen asleep - it's the ONLY way I will allow myself to re-tell this story. There were NO break marks on the pavement... and the truck was "stopped" by running into somebody's fence quite far from the accident scene. OBVIOUSLY - he didn't even know it had happened. There were 3 guys in the truck.

I've recently been hoping that perhaps somebody in our family was cursed with 7 years of bad luck... and that it ends now. We've served out time. In those 7 years, my aunt died, a cousin died in horrific car accident and my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. That's a lot in one family. (there's more - just not in the 7 yrs)

My husband came in the picture 7 years ago as well. We knew each other prior to this - but once it happened he just butted right into my life and made sure I was ok. I wasn't ok... I battled depression, I couldn't stop crying. I sat in a chair for days after it happened and kept repeating "what will they do? how will they live through this" refering to her three children. In 5 days all i could eat were my mom's brownies... I ended up needing a prescription for sleeping pills to get me through - and they worked wonders... in no time I was FINALLY sleeping through the night again and therefore managed to "get back on top". My now-dh would take me out all the time - i saw more movies in the month following the accident than I probably have in my life. I'd cry through most. We'd meet with friends and i'd sit there crying. I just couldn't control it - and he LET ME. He was absolutely AMAZING... 2 weeks later (on Canada actually) we officially started dating... and the rest has been an amazing journey. I still find it odd that we got together after such a horrible event in my life, but i'm thankful that through something so horrible something so magical/wonderful came of it.

I also have a friendship that I knew instantly that day that was different than normal friendships. My mom knowing me too well KNEW she couldn't call me at work to tell me the horrible news, but knew that I worked with a close friend... She called her to ask her to break the news. It's a good thing this woman had gone through something similar because she probably would have never talked to me again... I couldn't believe her - i wouldn't. I said "you HAD to have gotten it WRONG." but she just hugged me and let me cry/scream right there in my office. My parents were going to come down to pick me up (i'm over an hour from where my family lives) but this friend insisted on driving me. Her and her now husband took the day off to drive me to my parents... I was blown away by how taken care I was. THAT day I realized she was a whole lot more than just a friend. Even through IF she's been there 120% - all the time. She's been incredible. It's amazing to me that I have that kind of support... that kind of fiend.

June 16th is probably the worse day of the year for me. I have other bad days - other days that I wish the calendar would just skip - but June 16th is by far the hardest day to get through.

I think of her often, looking out for us. I hope that somehow she's taking care of us... I think of her and my cousin (who was a twin) sitting together - and allowing our twins to make it here safe and sound this fall... I think of her all the time.

Sunshine...

2006-06-14T10:00:00.000-04:00

FINALLY, the sun is back where it belongs... in a blue sky! I'm in a better mood and i'm sure it's directly linked to the sun!

Last night we went to the beach... well, we drove there with our dog to see if maybe I could go swimming (not last night, it was much too cold! but someday!) while my dh took the dog for a walk! (cause dogs aren't allowed on that beach - otherwise, we'd be all set!) But... it's not really gonna work i don't think... we're probably just going to drop him off at his parents instead... I NEED to start swimming because this lack of excersize is FREAKING ME OUT. I'm terrified of what all this added weight will do to my out of shape body :( Anyways - we did end up going for a walk while we were there - which was nice!

On our way back... the windows were down and at one point my dh said "OMG!" I swear - like he had just spotted a lion or big foot or something... completely freaked out! I was like "WHAT???" he says "there's a HUGE bug in the car"... i look around thinking he's lost his mind... and find... drum roll please... ONE MOSQUITO. Yes, ONE. SMALL MOSQUITO. I laughed SO SO SO hard... harder than I can remember laughing in a LONG time... I was in tears... I had stomach cramps I was laughing so hard... you know - the BEST kind of laughing? You know... the kind that completely disappears from your life when struggling through IF. THAT kind. that's the kind that I was laughing yesterday. And just like that I realized that I was somewhat "back". We've been laughing more and more... which is good - cause frankly that's one of the things i love most about my dh - how we can always laugh together... well, IF kind of muffles that laughter. It was absent... and now, it's on it's way back. A sign that life after all might get back to some sense of normalcy. Thankfully.

We've also decided on who we'll ask to be godparents to our babies... and for some reason it's always on my mind... maybe because friday is the 7th year anniversary of my godmother's accidental death (car crash)... not sure... but anyways - we're going to be asking them as soon as we see them next, and that feels great.

Today is my SIL's university graduation... Last night I was SO stuck on what to wear... I tried on 2 outfits that could work - but one of them was a pre-pregnancy shirt and it fit well (it kind of looks like it could be a maternity top anyways, just short) anwyays - it was quite short - so i wasn't sure if it would work - it's not like i was showing skin - it just looked weird. I decided to have my dh take photos of me in both outfits so i could send them to my sister to help me decide... well, i didn't get a hold of my sister and in the end it was ok, cause i woke up this morning being able to make a decision for myself! had the event been last night- I swear i would have had to stay home I so couldn't decide!!

Here's the photo of the outfit that won - the other photo is horrible (not that this one is great by any stretch of the imagination! ha!HA!) but i'm slouching and not only do i look fat (which i am!) but i look short as well - which i'm not - so nobody but my sister gets to see that one!

18w1d pregnant and loving laughing again!

18 weeks.

2006-06-13T09:58:00.000-04:00

Goodness, I'm super original in my titles these days!!

18 weeks for some reason is a milestone for me. It seemed SO unachievable - and frankly - i don't know what it was about 18 itself. But here I am.

I feel like my belly has stopped growing - which I guess isn't all bad... At the rate I was going I would have been HUGE! BUT it's still a little unerving... I keep thinking "maybe something's wrong??" because frankly - when am i NOT thinking that?

I haven't felt much movement at all - and THAT is freaking me out. I'm terrified that at our u/s in 10 days they'll find something wrong - even though at 18 weeks it's normal to hardly feel anything. I just thought that since i've been feeling a little bit for a while that I would be feeling MORE by now? I keep thinking i feel even less? arh.

A friend of mine had her baby on Sunday. 3 weeks and 2 days late. Imagine? The baby was only 9 pounds 1 oz (we were all expecting a whole lot bigger!!) and they're all doing well... and STILL - I can't help but be jealous. YES, i'm pregnant. YES, i'm expecting TWO babies... BUT STILL. Hers was EASY. Hers was concieved as soon as they started trying. And... hers is HERE. Mine, are not. not yet. I know... STOP IT. BUT it just goes with the territory I guess. At least that's what i convince myself of - otherwise, i'd feel like a bitch 90% of the time :(

My goal for last week was to go on a walk... and I've now gone TWICE!! Seems rediculously stupid - but hey - it's progress!

We've decided to NOT do our bathroom renovations... we were going to buy front loader washer/dryer so that we could have them in our bathroom on the main floor... but i've finally decided that NOT spending that money was more important. Our bedroom and the nursery are upstairs... and the washer/dryer are downstairs.... and that's how it'll have to be. If it's too difficult, then we can deal with it when the time comes! Besides, all those steps should help me lose weight, no? who am i kidding... (oh and the loads will be numerous since we're going to be cloth diapering the babies!)

18 weeks pregnant... and hoping everything is still ok with the babies!!

17 weeks.

2006-06-06T10:30:00.000-04:00

17 weeks already. it's weird, I can hardly decide if it's going quick or slow. Somedays I find HORRIBLY slow... some days i can hardly believe we haven't been to the fertility clinic since MARCH, 11 weeks now. Wasn't that just last week?

I just bumped into somebody on my way to the bathroom (one of my many trips of the day) and she said "GOODNESS, I didn't know you were expecting a baby?!" (cause i guess i look way pregnant today! HA!HA!) I just said "actually, I'm expecting two!" to which she replies...

"WOW! your dh is doing really well, he sure isn't shooting blanks... ha!ha!"

WHY does that kind of comment make me want to punch people? I get SOOOOO annoyed. I just smile and nod and try to get out ASAP. I guess i couldn't exactly reply "actually, he IS shooting blanks, that's why we're really expecting twins... IVF, 2 embryos transfered, our odds were good of twins" I KNOW it doesn't matter - it's even probably GOOD that they simply assume we're ultra fertile... BUT it still bugs me... kind of brings me back to the darn comments "so, when are you going to have kids?" although not fully obviously (i don't think anything hurts as much as that!!)

Unrelated to this, last week my dh told a guy we work with that we're expecting twins... to which he answered "LUCKY YOU!" (and ment it!) My dh then said "Are you guys thinking of number 2?" (they have a dd already) and he said "yeah, eventually" and my dh realized right away that he had asked too much by his response... and his knee jerk reaction to "fix" it made it worse - he ended up saying "are you guys trying" which is the last thing he wanted to say - he knew he was just digging himself deeper... and knew how much he probably hurt the guy (by his reaction) :( I was almost in tears when he told me the story - he felt SOOOOOOO bad :( It's so easy to get our foot in our mouth, isn't it? Even when WE understand... no wonder those that don't get any of it do it all the time!!

We had an appointment with a high risk OB on Friday... the blood is COMPLETELY gone from around the placenta... YAHOO!! The dr. said "you're now on your way to a perfect pregnancy!" lets hope that's true! We've been transfered to regular OB care, which is fantastic!! We have our 18-20 week ultrasound scheduled (you know the ONE u/s that most normal women have... it'll be our FIFTH!) it's less than 3 weeks away - i can't wait... although i'm hoping that will be the last of u/s for a while... I can't believe how many u/s we're getting through this pregnancy!! Oh - and on friday we also got to hear the heartbeats... THAT was really cool! :)

I have a friend who's 18 days overdue today. How crazy is that? I say she'll have the baby today cause it's 06/06/06 today!!

17 weeks pregnant... and finally feeling human again!

16 weeks.

2006-05-30T09:15:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness! 16 weeks pregnant!

I did a quick self portrait yesterday morning - I'm impressed i got it in focus! (tripod + digital camera is not usually my friend!)

Yesterday I went to visit a friend who has a 10 week old... (her third baby!) and her sister was there too - she has a 6 week old... and the babies are the same size now. For about 2 minutes, I got to hold 2 babies - i think more to humour my friend than anything :) oh, and i say 2 minutes because one started to fuss and her mom took her. There was NOTHING i could do - i had my other hand completly full. Oh my goodness... what a reality check! Granted ours will start tiny and by the time they reach that size we will have grown together... and my dh will be home for the first 2 months... and his mom is minutes away if i need her at any point in time... thank goodness! Oh - and we also had to switch babies at one point - and it felt like the friends episode (the finale) where Chandler and Monica want to switch baby and can't figure out how so decide they'll wait till later... it felt like that! HA!AH!

On a seperate note, it's SOOOOOOOO hot here right now - I didn't sleep last night. Today, we're buying an air conditionner. I thought i'd survive - but frankly, i have enough issues sleeping - I don't need to add heat to the mix (it was 28oC in our room last night - and it's still may. It only gets worse :( ) And, I cannot imagine that our babies next summer would be able to sleep either in that much heat - so it's a wise investement. Our room and the nursery is in the "roof" of the house and only has 2 dinky windows at each end of the house for air circulation... stupid design for our area!!

16 weeks pregnant, and finally off the anti-nausea medication... I think i'm going to be ok!! :) We get to see the monkeys on friday and I can't wait :)

hiatus: I guess it's real.

2006-05-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

I just updated my business website. I figured I needed to do it fast - because i was getting many requests...

I am currently on maternity leave and I plan to accept sessions in the Fall of 2007.

To be on mat leave at 15weeks sounds kind of crazy - but I couldn't manage with my day job as well... goodness knows i wish it could have been the other way around - but the day job pays well right now... and my days are FINALLY limited there!

In Oct. 2003 when we started TTC I thought my days were limited there. Our goal was always for me to be a stay at home mom/part-time work at home mom until our kids are in school. In August of 2004 we figured "it can't be TOO far off, can it?" so I started working 4 days a week - so i could focus on my business. We thought it would be quite temporary. It's going on TWO years. FINALLY, now - in 3 months probably I'll be leaving that job for good. It would have felt more real 2 1/2 yrs ago than it does now, i'm sure. But it's true: after 8 yrs at that computer job - i'll finally be living what I want to live. Imagine?

On the flip side, my art has REALLY evolved in that time period - time that I wouldn't have had to dedicate to my craft. I'm thrilled at where my work is now - and happy I got to do the journey. Still not happy it took what it took for me to get there. I once told my SIL that... to which she answered "everything happens for a reason..." WHICH I STRONGLY DO NOT BELIEVE IN. No way was my infertility for me to evolve in my photography. I would have gotten to the same point, just on a different schedule. I guess the same can be said about parenthood for us - but I don't appreciate the journey i took to get to that. I have learned a whole lot on this journey - but still, if I had the choice: we'd be fertile.

I cannot WAIT to start up my business again in the fall of 2007. I already miss it... but i know that the next year will be exciting and worth the hiatus.

15w2d pregnant, but looking more like 25 weeks! Oh - and I haven't seen blood in a few days... maybe it's behind me! Either way - we see the babies in one week from tomorrow - can't wait! lets hope it's all cleared up and they send me on my merry way to a "regular" OB instead of highrisk! :)

Adoption?

2006-05-23T10:13:00.000-04:00

I know - weird topic for a woman who's currently pregnant to get excited about - but i'm excited. My dh this morning said "Maybe for our fourth we could adopt?" OMG!!! I NEVER thought i'd hear him say that... to which he follows... "I never thought i'd feel like that..." but he does! He even said maybe if our FET in 2-3 years doesn't work we could think about it then. We know adoption has heartaches as well - we're not naive... But I think avoiding the physical hell would be good. We'll see. Before I knew we'd have fertility issues I wanted to adopt... I've always wanted to adopt... So if we could adopt as well as having our own - that would be my "ideal" and I'm just so thankful that my dh finally feels like that.

Thanks to those who replied about me not feeling like I belong... I KNOW that many have written about that as well... and I know many will write about it in the future... It's just that I guess I didn't anticipate sharing those feelings - even though I should have. I seem to live way too much with the "that wont happen to me" mindset - which I can't comprehend. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY think that about ANYTHING? Infertility wasn't supposed to happen to us either... BUT IT DID.

We ended up going to the family gathering on Saturday... I found the couch and sat on it ALL day. It was "ok" although my butt was quite sore.... and I sat for more hours than I normally do and I walked a tiny bit more than i normally do (although i really didn't walk much) anyways - sure enough, woke up sunday: bleeding. Nothing "major" but way more blood than i wanted/needed to see. I should have stayed home saturday.

I bought awesome new shoes on Sat morning. I've never spent so much on a pair of SHOES... But i'm hoping they last a REALLY long time! AND i really needed comfy slip on shoes for my pregnancy... IF i don't swell too much I might be able to wear them till Oct/Nov when I give birth... I hate tying shoes on a good day - but when i'll be THAT pregnant there's just NO way i'll want to tie shoes!

Oh... and I managed to scratch a potential name off our baby name list... I really like the name Julianne, but my dh doesn't really like it. Anyways - this week-end I saw one of my cousin's and his gf - and I had forgotten that was her name. I don't really like her... so just like that - it's not even an option anymore!

We were talking about names at the party - and I said that as much as I REALLY want the names to be bilingual (french/english) it's becoming quite difficult to do so for the boys... I just can't find anything I like that's in both languages. I knew this would kind of annoy my mom but what can I do? I REALLY can't find anything - and besides, they're my babies! ANYWAYS... She said "well, look at all your ancestors you should find something..." (cause we like old names) and I said i haven't found anything... and she said "what about his grandparents?" and I said, well his grandmother has the same name as me - so that's out - but his grandfather's name is the only name we have for boys right now: James. THEN i said "and we REALLY like Seamus" to which my mom replies "I LOVE LOVE LOVE THAT NAME"... apparently earlier in the week she was just telling people she works with how much she loves that name (cause it was on a list of names that relate to her job somehow!) anyways... it was funny... So just like that, 2 very english names and I'm nearly convinced that those are our names :) (if they're boys of course!) for girls it's Catherine & Elizabeth (Cate/Cat & Ellie for short - I want to call them by their long names - but i'd rather set their nicknames instead of having kids in the class do it!)

15 weeks pregnant, and physically exhausted. I woke up this morning and felt as though I had ran all night long... my muscles are all sore... it's weird really... maybe my "self imposed somewhat bedrest" has caught up with me...

New Look!

2006-05-19T10:29:00.000-04:00

I wanted to change the look of the blog when I got pregnant... but since I have been feeling like i don't belong in either the "IF Club" or the "Pregnancy Club" it's been hard. I know for fellow IF'ers my blog might bring a little hope, but mostly pain. I know - I've been there: I've read those blogs. Don't get me wrong - I was HAPPY to find success stories - i really needed them... but it basically stopped there. Pregnancy wise... i don't really feel like I belong either. I never thought it would be like this. I thought i'd get the BFP I'd been PRAYING for for YEARS and I would be HAPPY. I even told my close girlfriends that I was having them over for a "girls night" when it happened because I would be over the moon... I have yet to hook up with them - and i'm 14+ weeks pregnant.

It's weird to no longer belong, or to feel like I no longer belong. I read blogs and I cry when IVF (or other treatements) doesn't work for them. I read pregnancy blogs for people that achieved pregnancy "according to their master plan" and I can't relate: I get upset.

IF is a lonely journey - and it doesn't stop with a BFP. It goes well beyond. To those still trying and reading this - I'm NOT implying i'm hurting as much as you - I guess i'm just venting because I wasn't expecting THIS. Maybe it's in proportion to how long you've suffered... if so, I should have it "easy" enough since although for ME it felt like an eternity - i know many have suffered for much longer.

At least i'm now embrassing the fact that i'm showing. Yesterday, a complete stranger noticed that my friend and I are both expecting... and it was kind of nice. Like "i'm out there, in the open - it's TRUE - even STRANGERS believe it!" Funny to think i'm only 14 weeks and my friend is 34 weeks, but still! :)

This week-end I think i'm going to be attending yet another family function - the same family that annoyed me so much at Easter. All of the above thoughts are probably directly linked to the fact that I'd rather not go. My dh would also rather not go. BUT if I don't go I wont see my sister for months since she's leaving for a summer job. I'd like to see her.

14w3d pregnant and still trying to convince myself that it's true: i'm pregnant and having twins this fall. THIS fall.

Second Trimester

2006-05-16T10:53:00.000-04:00

FINALLY: 14 weeks pregnant.

As of today, we can buy baby things. I still have a hard time with that part - apparently it's harder than it seems.

I couldn't sleep last night - and today I'm COMPLETELY brain dead... I'm trying to accomplish work - and I simply cannot. ARH. Something that should have taken me less than an hour to complete will most likely take me all day - isn't that crazy? I can hear my bed calling me.

On a good news front - I got boxes of maternity clothing from a friend and her sister. They're saving me LOADS of money - i'm so unbelievably grateful! AND I was worried that i wouldn't have anything to wear at the end (being that this is a twin pregnancy!) and one of the girls is bigger than me - so i have clothes now that i doubt i'll outgrow (and wont be able to wear for a while!) I'm SO happy. The last thing i wanted to do was get new clothes when i'm 8 months pregnant... BUT staying in joggers for a month or more wasn't my idea of fun either!

For mother's day I got 2 movies on DVD (Erin Brockovich and Notting Hill) well - my dh gave them to me on Friday and said "these are for mother's day and really because you've had a really shitty day - i figured you might enjoy them..."

Other than that - we had his parents & sister over for diner for mother's day - my dh did most of the work since i'm still on somewhat self-imposed bedrest... he made salsa from scratch - it was really really good - but it was funny cause we ended up eating it warm - he never thought making salsa could take so long! (well, especially when HE'S cutting all the veggies! ha!HA!) And we had shrimp & scallops with pasta... overall a great diner! Oh - and my dh made french toast for lunch and decided that was our tradition on mother's day - but that it would be in the morning usually, not for lunch! He thought of making french toast after my bagel was already ready! :)

My mom and my brother wished me a happy mother's day... my sisters on the other hard believe being a mom only starts once you have a physical baby in your arms.

I have a dilemna about godmothers... together we have 3 sisters and we're only having 2 babies this time around. I was thinking of asking both my sisters - but one of them will most likely be away all year (10 months) and I refuse to ask her and have her NOT be able to attend the baptism... AND i am NOT baptising later for her sake. So depending on if she takes the job - i might not ask her. Another thing we need to do soon enough is ask my sister (the one who will be away for the year) if she'd agree to be legal guardian IF anything happened to both my dh & i. I want to have our will finished (well, started and finished!) before the birth of our babies... and it's weird. She's in NO PLACE to have children dumped on her - but frankly - what are the odds something happens to us in the near future or anytime at all? She's the ONLY one we both see leaving our children with. I don't know if she'll agree based on the fact that she's not in the right place right now. I guess another solution would be to have my parents accept to back her up UNTIL then kind of thing - because i refuse to put my parents as guardians - it's NOT their job.

Ok - too heavy of a topic... but i need to spend time/energy thinking about it and doing something about it...!!!

14w pregnant, and still tired!

Blood.

2006-05-12T12:43:00.000-04:00

Yes, more blood. NOTHING compared to last time - but still too much for my liking this morning. No accumulation - but everytime i pee the toilet goes red and so does the paper. I don't get it.

More Blood = MORE STRESS.

Took the day off - self-imposed bedrest. I hear of all these women being put on bedrest after bleeding episodes - i'm thinking i can't be TOO SAFE. ever.

Yesterday - I had that feeling something was going to happen again... and then it did: I started vomiting like a mad woman lost all my diner and then some 2+ hrs after eating. First time i was actually physically sick. NOT GOOD. And then I couldn't sleep... why? because while I was sick the ONLY thing i could drink was Coke - it made me feel SOOOO much better... but i drank too much of it - and it's loaded with caffeine. GREAT.

I haven't bled much today - and i think it's just about done. I'm still stressing though. I wish I had a dopler so I could hear my babies... The play i was supposed to go to tonight i'm now skipping - no way could i sit through it. I still have the session tomorrow - I'll BE FINE - unless i wake up with issues - i should be able to go in and out and shoot. Although it's a 4 week old baby - they tend to have a mind of their own... lets hope he's on my side tomorrow.

We have nothing for mother's day. I was planning on skipping out of work at lunchtime just to go pick up something... well, that's not happening obviously. I know they'll understand and it wont be an issue - but i feel horrible - cause it's SO unlike me.
Our yard is starting to look abandoned. Lets hope this week-end we can get out there and do something... nothing more depressing than pulling up to your beautiful home and thinking "goodness it looks like crap!".

Anybody following hockey? The sens are now 1-3 in the series - lets hope they can pull out and go all the way... wouldn't it be great? It's such stressful hockey - i can't even watch right now!!

13w2d

2006-05-11T14:09:00.000-04:00

Ok - this week - the thirteenth - has been the longest. I've been dreaming of getting to the 14th - safely into the second trimester and it's just taking forever it seems.

I'm still very sleepy. Last night I feel asleep at 8pm. Woke up at 11:30pm when my dh came to bed (cause i was lying completely across the bed!!) and couldn't fall back asleep?! It really annoyed me - as did the heat in the room - and then i woke up in a bad mood this morning, again. arh.

News is getting around at work. I'm told congratulations often throughout the day... followed by "wow....... two!" and then they always ask how i'm doing... "Great, thanks!" and like many warned... they ALL want to hear how AWEFUL you're doing. Well - all they're getting is "great, thanks".

Friday I have a play to go to (local production) and I have a photo session on Sat. morning. BAD planning with the amount of sleep i require. AND THEN - a birthday diner at my uncles - i'll be asleep before it starts! And then it's mother's day... which i have NOTHING for. Ideas, yes - but have i done anything about it? Um... no. So will my mother and/or MIL get anything for mothers day? unlikely. ARH.

I went to buy film today - and realized how much I'm going to miss my photography while i'm on mat leave (which for that has already started since i couldn't keep up with everything) it's going to be a year and a half before i have clients again... I might go crazy! I need to work on my newsletter and wording to update my website... it's so weird to tell "the world" that I'll be on mat leave... like it can't actually be happening TO ME. I've prayed for this for so long... can it actually be happening?

And then worse - what if i send it out to the world...... and then something happens. I have to stop thinking about that part.

13w2d and ANXIOUSLY waiting for 14w. Only 5 more days.

Love + Marriage & IF

2006-05-09T08:55:00.000-04:00

This has been on my mind for a while... and this week-end it was on my mind even more.

My cousin had her baby, 2 weeks overdue, induced which turned into an emergency c-section... not ideal - but then neither is her life at this point. (jobless, single, lives alone, immature) and I was talking to my mom and I said "it must be SO hard on her brother and his wife... seeing as they want a child but can't concieve..." to which my mom answers "it must be hell - are they back together?" um... WHAT? Apparently they've been appart for months (she thinks they may be back together now) and it just drove the point home.

I CANNOT imagine my life without my dh. I couldn't before all this started - but now that we've lived this "hell" together - it's just not even an option. (again, it wasn't before!) I was talking to a friend about this - and she said she feels the same way about her dh since they've had 3 kids - how it's even MORE impossible now to see them appart. I know it's a weird topic - but i know MANY relationships go the other way through hard times... and to be very honest - we have a great relationship - I love my dh more today than when we met, even more than when we married (i know - it's sooooooooo cliché - but it's soooooooooo true) anyways - all that love - but until you walk a few miles in HELL together - you really have NO idea how it'll work out. I mean I would have ventured a guess that our personalities would have made us grow closer together - but so many go the other way. I know i'm not "immune" to anything - especially now. The theory that "that only happens to other people" is NOT something I would EVER assume true... cause goodness knows - what I would say only happens to others: HAPPENED TO US.

It's like this journey has solidified our vows more than I ever thought possible. More than I ever imagined would happen in our lifetime. And we've been married for less than 3 years. Imagine?

To say he's my best friend is an understatement. He's literally my EVERYTHING. And even through my bad mood... my hormonal fits... I count my blessings everyday that he's my husband. And to those out there who find it going the other way... HUGS. IF is a difficult journey by itself - can't imagine it ALSO putting a strain on our marriage.

About my cousin and his wife - I really don't know them well enough to know why they're apart (obviously - it took months before i even heard they were apart!) It may have nothing to do with IF - but either way - IF obviously dind't bring them closer - or not close enough. Granted - they've been suffering since 1999 - which is more than I have - and they have no children. Perhaps my views of my marriage would be different after so many empty years - but then again, for us - we would have ALWAYS been on the journey. Through modern medicine or adoption - our goal is to have a FAMILY at any cost.

There. Just random thoughts on love & marriage... and infertility.

I'm 13 weeks pregnant today. I've reduced my anti-nausea pills (only taking those that will ensure i can get out of bed in the morning now) and I hope that the nausea stays away...!! Other than that - i'm showing so much - i swear some must assume i'm 5 months along. Um... not so much.

Sharing with the world....

2006-05-05T13:43:00.000-04:00

Ok - i'm 12w3d... and we're sharing. We had to - i'm seriously popping and it was embarassing to walk around work cause i felt weird. i always wanted to hide. Now - i can finally wear "whatever" i want and not care. Not everybody knows - but the word is out and before I know it everybody will!

One thing I hadn't anticipated.... how WEIRD it feels to tell people who know nothing of our situation. I almost feel like i'm lying. "Yes, i'm pregnant - but you should know I got help." I know that SOUNDS absolutely rediculous - even to me it sounds stupid... but I've been sharing and I feel WEIRD. Maybe mostly because i'm often ask "do twins run in your family?" and the first time somebody asked i was stunned and then i realized it was the first person who didn't know about IVF. "um no, in fact it's cause there were 2 embryos so my odds were quite high." Um... no, i didn't say that!! I just smile and say "we have id twins in my family - but that's not hereditary..." and then I can't stop thinking of my twin cousin who lost his brother... and how my aunt will "react" to the news. Obviously - she'll be fine with it! I just mean it's going to be different for her than anybody else... arh.

Other than that - we saw the high risk ob yesterday who decided to keep us high risk because of the bleeding episode. There's also blood around one of the placentas which could be a problem - and we're "more at risk" of miscarriage which of course STRESSED ME OUT... but then again - it's his job. I know of MANY who have had this and went on to deliver beautiful babies... actually - i've yet to have found a negative story (although i'm positive they're out there). Anyways - I have another u/s and high risk ob appointment in 4 weeks and they'll decide then if i'm still high risk or not! I really liked the clinic and all the staff was great - so that's an added bonus!!

The babies were dancing around like crazy!! it was AMAZING. when i had my emergency u/s on saturday they weren't moving much at ALL... but i'm wondering if maybe that's because I had been stressed for 24+ hours... who knows. I'll scan and perhaps post a photo!

Yesterday during and following the appointment I had that feeling of "everything is perfect right now". The feeling I had for WEEKS after I got engagged... I was SO happy - beyond words happy when i got engagged... I was floating - something i had never imagined feeling. I had been looking for THAT feeling about the pregnancy - and FINALLY - i got it yesterday. Unfortunatly there's a whole lot more worries being pregnant than being engagged - so the feeling didn't last. BUT at least I felt it.

For some reason yesterday afternoon/evening I was SERIOUSLY hormonal. I wish we had warnings. I felt HORRIBLE - hated myself and worse: went to bed in a bad mood, and woke up in the same bad mood. ARH. I KNOW that's just part of pregnancy - but i'm used to a little bit more control!! And I'm still tired beyond belief - i'm starting to expect the "you're anemic" news at any moment... I mean i don't really think i'm anemic - but this can't be normal... can it??

12w3d pregnant and exhausted beyond belief!

95 days...

2006-05-02T10:40:00.000-04:00

of injections in total.
I would guess that that's about 130 injections, since some overlapped, some were split doses and many of the PIO my dh hit blood and therefore had to give me more injections.

Isn't that crazy? (no, probably not to my IF friends! ha!HA!)

And Jenny - as much as the injections hurt and were aweful cause they're HUGE - i'd still take them over suppositories for some reason! Maybe i'm weird! :)

Oh... I just got a birthday gift from a really close friend... the card said "i know you've been through emotional hell this year - but the next will be better" and he made a $ donation to the infertility awareness association of canada for me. HOW SWEET IS THAT? He's THE BEST - and that's why he'll be godfather to our children (although we haven't asked yet!!)

I just found out through a friend at work who knows I'm pregnant that a few people have asked another coworker of ours if i'm pregnant. I think it's time to tell. I'll try to hold off until thursday or friday - i have another u/s on thursday and then we'll share i guess. I'm still living in denial - thinking it's happening to somebody OTHER than me! AND i can't stand people who are over excited with my pregnancy - i mean I'm excited - but i feel like "you don't know the story - so STOP IT." :( hopefully i'll grow out of that.

I'm 12weeks pregnant today. WHAT a milestone. AND the spotting as STOPPED (i spotted all week-end)

HAPPY day!!

2006-05-01T14:38:00.000-04:00

TODAY...... is my VERY LAST progesterone injection. THE LAST ONE.

I started injections (not progesterone, obviously!!) on Jan. 27th 2006. Today is MAY 1st. TIME FOR A WELL DESERVED BREAK I THINK!!

And... today is my birthday! I'm 27 years old... so for the next 4 months and 3 days I'm [a year] older than my dh. He likes to rub it in.

My mom and sisters came down yesterday and we went shopping for maternity clothes... hard task with me :( First - seems like 98% of the summer clothes don't have sleeves for some reason. ARH. I hate that. AND... everything is WAY too expensive :( For a summer dress, 2 tops, capris and a skirt and a 20% coupon on everything in the store - it cost 195$CDN. I don't spend that kind of money on clothes normally. I have a top that costs 50$CDN and I would never have paid that. They REALLY wanted me to buy shorts - and frankly - i hardly ever wear shorts... so there was just no way i wanted a 50$ pair. HELLO.

Anyways - I shouldn't complain - the whole thing was a gift and MUCH MUCH MUCH appreciated. I can wear the skirt for sure right now at work... I'm trying hard to avoid looking VERY pregnant right now at work since we haven't officially told everybody we're expecting (although i'm sure most have guessed!) anyways - so skirt and a t-shirt for 2 weeks you think? No - i'm guessing that's not going to work. ARH.

Other than that - for some reason my nausea is HORRIBLE today... we had a vet appointment this morning for the cat & dog - so we took both cars so my dh could just go straight to work afterwards (i don't work on mondays) and I had to leave shortly after getting there because my nausea was WAY too bad. Um... what's up with that? :( I am still on anti-nausea medication :( now it's a little better - but not by a whole lot :( I had LOTS of work i needed to get done today and i thought i could - but it's 2:45 and i've done NOTHING. ARH.

And.... like the nausea is not bad enough - i can't stop crying - for NO REASON. I'm incredibly emotional/hormonal today... to a rediculous level... and MAYBE it's cause it's by birthday but frankly I never "care" that i'm getting "older" so it's not really... but maybe on an hormonal level it is or something. Who knows - all i know is that it's driving me NUTS.

I'm 11w6d pregnant and ending progesterone shots today. YAHOO!!!

Monkeys are FINE!!

2006-04-29T14:18:00.000-04:00

Had the u/s this morning - they look great :) the dr. said I have a little bit of blood OVER one of the babies - but not in the placenta - and that there is no speration. He expects a little more bleeding and said he'd be REALLY surprised at this point if anything bad happened to our monkeys. YAHOO.

I think today was the best day of my life. Even when they told us at 6w we were having twins - i was still terrified that something would go wrong. Now, at nearly 12 weeks having seen the babies - I REALLY believe and feel like we're having twins. A fantastic feeling.

THANK YOU to those who replied with kind words - much appreciated!! Chas - your personal experience really helped me yesterday and I told my dh all about it - and it helped him too. THANK YOU for taking the time to share - you really calmed me!!

I'm 11w4d today... and the babies measured where they should! Now i feel like screaming it from the rooftops... WE'RE HAVING TWINS!! WE'RE HAVING TWINS!! WE'RE HAVING TWINS!! WE'RE HAVING TWINS!! but we'll wait a few more weeks :)

RED.

2006-04-28T14:37:00.000-04:00

Red GUSHING blood. NO KIDDING.

11w3d pregnant.
woke up at 4:15 am SOAKED in RED blood. Got to the bathroom - pulled undies off - RED RED GUSHING BLOOD. LOADS of it.

I managed to NOT panic until I had cleaned it all up - semi assured myself that I thought the bleeding had stopped... went back to bed and LOST IT. Thank goodness for my dh.

We both showered and moved slowly - i wanted to know for sure that the blood had stopped. Got to the emergency room at 5:50 am. No u/s at this hospital - but only thing the doctor could do for us - so said "stick around - when you're "here" you're an emergency so we can get you an appointment at the hospital in town ASAP - we'll come see you at 8 am - that's when they open." It was TEN am by the time they came to tell us "here you go - you have an "emergency appointment" for tomorrow morning." WHAT? i have to wait till TOMORROW??? I would have gone straight to my fertility clinic - but it's 3:30 hrs away in the morning and there's no real chance they could have done much (although i'm guessing they would have done an u/s) but i figured if i started SUPER bleeding again - being in the car was the last place i'd want to be.

It hasn't come back - we came home and napped for 3 hrs (we were SOOO exhausted) and now i'm just praying I don't freak out before now and tomorrow morning. How i'll manage to sleep tonight is now beyond me.

For half a sec in the bathroom - horrible thoughts ran through my mind...
"my body just rejected 10,000$ worth of babies - how useless am i??"
"my sister shouldn't have gotten me involved or even talked to me about the intervention we have to do with my brother. I told her i wanted nothing to do with it till i was WELL into my second trimester because I wasn't going to be able to live with a tragedy due to stress..."
"my SIL shouldn't have told anybody we were having twins - i'm going to be VISIBLY mad at her if in fact we've lost one after we asked them ALL to keep it 100% PRIVATE"
"i shouldn't have gotten so worked up last night when the cat was pissing me off (regular occurance here - he likes to attack me for some reason :( "

and then some.

of course i also had the "of course something like this HAS to happen - you hear SO often of "blood" issues in pregnancy and none of it had happened to me - it was just a matter of time..."

:(

Yes - pitty party of one here (or two - my dh is pretty freaked out too - although convinced everything is fine) The one thing that keeps me going is knowing a girl who had this happened at week 8 ish and she's still pregnant with twins well into her second trimester. there's hope. right?

Oh - the 'good' news is that the dr. believes it's most likely just something that "happened" and that things are fine. He said miscariages would typically not stop bleeding and i'd have cramping - which i've had NONE of. He said he'd normally be most worried about an ectopic pregnancy - but since we've seen our beanies at 6w he knows that's not the case. he said "sometimes just having sex can bring this on..." yeah - NOT what happened last night. ARH. oh the stress....

You know you're pregnant when....

2006-04-26T11:28:00.000-04:00

you start crying watching Oprah. I watch Oprah quite often - and NEVER cry. Yesterday - I couldn't help myself when I saw the story of Jason McElwain, an autistic teenager who was given a "chance" by his AMAZING coach.

Also because I literally burt into tears at Nina's news :(

Also because i'm in a bad mood 90% of the time it seems - which is a WHOLE lot more than my usual self! Goodness this hormonal imbalance is doing a number on me.

Also because I can NEVER decide what to eat... and my dh was doing a TERRIFIC job at keeping up with everything... and I'm not sure if it's just because the damn NHL playoffs started - but we're back in the "i can't decide what we should eat" dilemna every night which is NOT helping my 90% bad mood situation. I CAN NEVER decide - because everything SOUNDS HORRIBLE. He seemed to get that a while ago - but seems to no longer get it. :(

The house is also a total mess... and I can't do anything about it. I come home from work DEAD... and if that's not enough - my butt/leg hurts I can't stand for long.

The VERY good news is that I only have 6 more injections of progesterone! YAHOO!!! which also means that in 6 days i turn 27!

I'm 11w1d pregnant and exhausted beyond belief... I'm PRAYING that the energy boost everybody talks about in the second trimester will happen to me!!!

Only 2 more weeks...

2006-04-20T13:45:00.000-04:00

until we get to see the monkeys again!

My next u/s is scheduled for the 4th. Then I'll see a dr. afterwards who will decide if they need to see me in high risk - or if I can just be seen my a regular OB. I thought it was automatic high risk - but i'm glad to hear it's not!

I'll be 12w2d then - i think it may even be safe to share that it's twins after that appointment - we'll see. Although since my family's pissed me off so bad I think I might leave them in suspence for a LOOOOOOOOONG time... cause that would annoy them! ha!HA! (i can be such a bitch!)

It's been BEAUTIFUL spring weather here - and it's helped my mood a lot :) sitting in the morning sun can do amazing things to a girl!

On a really really really sad note, my closest friend lost her grandmother last night, she died of natural causes in her sleep. The best way to go - but it still hurts... She was the only person my age (or as an adult at all!) I knew that still had ALL 4 grandparents.

and on a seperate but positive note as well - happy/positive thoughts are going Jenny who's going through IVF NOW - and going through the hardest part this week (imo!)

10w2d pregnant and i've felt ill all day because I had blood work this morning on an empty stomach at NINE (hello - why do they do this to pregnant women??) nothing's really helped today... counting the minutes till i can go home!

It was my fault...

2006-04-18T14:52:00.000-04:00

I thought i'd share HOW exactly everybody found out we're doing IVF. I had ZERO intentions of sharing with my extended family that we did IVF. I'm not ashamed of having gone this route - but I think it's a very personal jouney and I didn't believe that we needed to share. I re-read my post and realize I made it sound like my dh is cold about the whole situation - but really - he's not... he REALLY didn't want them to know about IVF either (as they ALSO know that it's because of MFI - but then again that means nothing to them...) anyways...

when we first found out we had "issues" I told my parents... and I did NOT ask them to keep quiet... if you knew my parents, like me, you would have ASSUMED they would NEVER have shared such a thing. Well, the next day I find out through my sister that my parents were sharing. My mom told a few aunts (which would have been FINE, these aunts are like second moms to me - and those ones I would have been ok with them knowing - they wouldn't have shared with the world...) and my dad shared..... with my grandma. THAT was the damn mistake. Everybody knows that grandma can't know ANYTHING without sharing with the world.

So just like that - by not asking my parents to keep something private private - when I was 100% positive they WOULD without being asked I was screwed. My dh looked like he was going to cry when we realized that EVERYBODY knew. Just a quick approx. of how many people that is.... easily 80+ people. Ok - maybe they don't ALL know - but most of them do.

So how do you rectify a situation like this when you're to blame? Maybe I could mail them all an etiquette book? WHAT IS POLITE, and WHAT IS NOT? The next time it "gets to me" I'm going to tell my parents to undo what they did... that I do not care HOW but if they care for me to attend any family functions people are going to have to behave like adults. At the very least - they need to start keeping it to themselves... and understand that no, as much as you want it to be because you gossip like crazy - my repreductive history is NOT and will NOT be a topic of discussion at family gatherings. period. Do upon others as you would like others to do upon yourself is something I try to live by - and NEVER would I have the guts to be so rude to ANYBODY. It's not cause i'm the grand daughter/niece/cousin/sister that they can have so little respect. What really doesn't help is my mother not being able to understand at all how much this hurts. How much the journey hurt and how having everybody talking about it - especially when i'm there - hurts. If (and when, cause i feel it's coming) I do tell her that I cannot stand visiting with family who talk about it all the time - she wont get it. She'll act like it's pregnancy hormones and that I need to grow up. It hurt long before I was pregnant..... why can't she see that?

I was talking (more like venting) to a friend who said it was just cause they don't understand... and then I made her realize that even if she didn't understand she wouldn't behave like that either. ever. she agreed. They're just meddlers, they get into anybody's business and never think about how it may impact the person in question - and in this case both of us.

Another thing that completely bugs me is everybody who's not pregnant seems to find it hillarious to blame any reaction of mine -- on any topic -- on hormones. First, it's not true. Sure, i'm hormonal - but I react to things i would have reacted to prior to pregnancy. I still have a mind for goodness sake - apparently i'm to become a yes man in order to avoid those comments? AND THEN - like it's not bad enough they seem to need to say it over and over and over "oh it's just the pregnancy hormones...." again... and again.... and again.... Um - if you knew anything about pregnancy hormones you'd know that you're seriously PISSING ME OFF right now?? HELLO?

On a positive note.... I've made it to 10w today! double digits! 1/4 of the way there! Still playing phone tag with the high risk clinic which at first was fine - but after more than a week it's getting old and now i'm getting worried that they wont be able to see me during my 12th week. I NEED an appointment - if only for my nerves! (i'm looking forward to my next u/s to know that the monkeys are still doing well :) right now, i'm basically guessing!)

THANK YOU to everybody who's replied... It's great to know i'm not alone - or crazy! :)

I was right.

2006-04-17T15:02:00.000-04:00

unfortunately.

I was so mad last night driving back from my parents (an hr drive) and I had a horrible headache which my dh kept trying to tell me was probably from the stress of the day :( although i think it was directly linked to dill pickle chips i just HAD to eat yesterday...?!

I was so upset - i almost stormed out of my grandmothers - but then that's SO out of character for me... they would have blamed it on the pregnancy hormones and i just couldn't give them more amunition. At one point I had an aunt and my grandma behind me (standing - they could TOUCH me sitting at the table, that's how close) and grandma says "now we just have to wait to see how many..." to which my aunt replies really loudly "oh cause it's in vitro there's chance for more than one??" WHAT THE HELL? WHY can't people PRETEND they have respect? These babies will be 6 & 7 in this family..... and the first ones "planned". Do you think they sit around those other cousins that have babies and talk about "oh right - cause her baby will be born out of wedlock?" or "yeah but her baby was a complete accident?" NO - those are apparently things that most people have the decency to SHUT up about.... well - in my family in vitro is apparently "nothing".

I sat there and realized that as much as I couldn't wait to be pregnant I obviously did NOT go from carrying the IF pain for nearly a year (well, a year of knowledge about it - and 2 1/2 years of it just not happening!) to being an extactic pregnant woman that will discuss in detail how i got here. If they had ANY idea of the emotional pain I have suffered... the physical pain... the sleepless nights of stress... the frustrations at the damn injections... the moodswings because of the damn injections... the rediculous comments i've had to put up with.... maybe then they'd SHUT UP? But probably not. They believe that this was simply "how we got pregnant" just like that. Just like getting a hair cut or something.

So now I know for sure that EVERYBODY in my family knows it's IVF.... and NOBODY will be suprised to find out if it's twins - they're just waiting to be told either way. I am now going to make it a point to stay far away from them for a while. I can't handle the emotional hurt.

AND THEN.... diner was over at my parents (lunch was at grandmas) and 2 aunts came over (from the other side of the family...) anyways, we were all chatting... A. and I got ready to head out and one of my aunts said "are you feeling really sick?" and i said "yes, it was horrible - but I started taking anti-nausea pills which are helping a lot...." to which my sister yells from the other end of the kitchen in front of everybody "oh yeah, but are you sure you're not about to find out that those things cause spina befida or something?" THEN I STORMED OUT. I yelled "Sure, I'm TRYING to harm my children because I'm a HORRIBLE person." and ran down to the door and all I could hear was the chatting of "did she say "her children" did she mean she's having 2?" AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRHHH. Yeah - lets get stuck on that - and not the insensitive comment that was made.

Anyways - I knew I should have said I couldn't make it up - it would have taken me 2 seconds to come up with something - and they wouldn't have missed me one bit... after all they had all that talking about me to do. I would have saved myself a lot of hurt - that i knew was going to take place. My dh said "but don't be upset - you knew what to expect going into it..." but it still doesn't make it better. I am pregnant and quite obviously emotional.... but still in any state of mine I could NEVER imagine behaving like that towards somebody else... and goodness knows it's not cause i'm an angel. I just THINK. Then he said "next time you should just say something..." um yes - today was about 30 people for lunch... so maybe in front of 30 people I should stand up and ask everybody to PLEASE have the decency to SHUT up about my infertility issues and HOW we got pregnant. After all, we don't typcially discuss how many times somebody else had to have sex before they conceived... maybe we should????

9w6d pregnant and frustrated with most of my family...